Wednesday, November 19, 2008

BMW - Be More Waspish?

Reader submitted. Thanks for the drive by shooting!

The classic "My Car Is Worth More Than Your Wife's Fake Jugs So I'll Park So No One Will Ding The Only Thing I Have Of Value In My Life Oh God I'm So Lonely".

What do we say to jerks like this, class? All together now!


Excellent everybody! And what else do we say to dried man juice stains like this?



Monday, November 17, 2008

Ain't That Grand AM!

Reader submitted. Learn To Park, Jerk! Ninjas are EVERYWHERE!!!

From the photo's owner him/herself!

"This jerk parked over two stalls so he could avoid door dings that would otherwise ruin the “pristine” exterior of his priceless Grand Am. It looks like he learned his lesson the hard way as someone squeezed in next to him and appears to have dinged his car with a sledgehammer."

It's hard to tell from this photo that the door is dinged. But isn't that the kind of justice you'd like to see? I'd also like to see the car's owner get their pubes stuck on a fresh strip of fly paper too! Official Learn To Park, Jerk! Flypaper, coming to a store near you!

Then they'd know a higher power had gotten them back! Until then, stop being a vagina-less douche and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

POST #100

Reader submitted. Congrats on being the 100th post! You don't get anything but bragging rights but hey! If you're a social outcast who likes taking pictures of parked cars, that's probably pretty damn cool anyway!

When Grandma died and left you your inheritance, she left strict instructions to use the money to better your life. So what did you do?

You bought a Dodge Intrepid.

You didn't go back to school to get your GED.

You didn't do something about your messed up donkey teeth.

You didn't even look into getting your second testicle surgically descended.


You bought a used sports car.

Maybe you should have bought a used 70's Volkswagen Beetle and used the rest of the money to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Crooked, Clueless But Not Odorless

Reader submitted! Thanks for the shot! But maybe next time, use a flash or whip out a lighter to shed a little light on the picture!

Had to brighten the picture to show what exactly the problem was here. Thanks to the power of modern technology and an overpriced version of Photoshop, we discover what evil lurks in the dark. A poorly parked Fuckimus Faceus!

Parked on an angle. Taking up two spaces. And probably has a dashboard covered in cigarette burns and boogers. Typical rural Albertan!

Lookee here, Zeke! Thanks for bringing your wheat money and tainted beef coinage into our bustling city to buy the latest plaid and flannel fashions. But if you want to be taken seriously, smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Too Damn Nosey!

Reader submitted! Thanks for snapping this from the safety of your Pope-mobile.

So what kind of person parks so far into a stall that the front of their vehicle penetrates the stall on the other side?

(1) Child molesters
(2) Lepers
(3) Gang Rapists
(4) STD Carriers
(5) Fucking Idiots

Do you also park your vehicle with the front of it smashed through the back of your garage? No? Then you must have some concept of where the front of your vehicle is. Take a moment and back up next time. Something your Daddy should have done before laying down with your Momma!

Smarten up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Like Night and Day

Reader submitted. Thanks for fighting fire with ire! That's right. Ire! I'm more than just a pretty face, you know!

These were taken at a reader's residential complex. Proof that people park like assholes at home too.

People can make citizen arrests. I think they should make a car boot that anyone could buy at Walmart so people could make citizen tow aways! Boot some jerk ass like this and call up a towing company to haul it away. Maybe that'll be my next step. Invent the Everyday Boot Up Your Ass!

Until that time, stay in your own fucking stall, jerk ass! Stay off the handicap parking! And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

And Now Something Completely Different

Reader submitted. And with a new parking issue we haven't covered before. Way to be a parking lot pioneer!

I know what you're thinking. What's the problem with this picture? Yeah, the stalls are a tad small and it might be hard getting in and out of your vehicle. But what gives?

I have to admit, I didn't get the problem at first. Maybe this next picture will help.

Do you see it? No? Yeah, I didn't either. Until I re-read their e-mail to me.

"I took my Daughter to Superstore South Common today to see if we could get some Halloween treats. So I parked fairly far from the door to avoid being parked to close to. No one was around me at that time.
When we came out about 45 min later, surprise surprise... there were two people parked right by me...Why do people insist on parking right next to a car when there are at least 20 other vacant spots!?!"

You know what? You're right. This has happened to me too. And not just in parking lots but at the movies too! I'll pick some out of the way seat at the theatre yet no matter where I sit, some lard ass ALWAYS plops down in front of me. And we're not talking crowded theatres here. I'm talking about the discount ones where maybe 10 people are there at any given time. What the fuck?

So, while this isn't as bad as taking up two spaces, it's still a mystery. Why do people feel the need to park near other vehicles? Get a set of balls and park away from the herd, morons!

So, to anyone who feels they just MUST park near another vehicle even though the lot is empty, I say: Get over your OCD and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Gray, Gay, And From Far Away

Reader submitted. Thanks for NARCing!

Once upon a time Farmer Zeke was cruising the streets of Saskatoon for a little underage poontang when he gets a text message from his 12 year old Yahoo Messenger pal who goes by the name of YngBoi_4_oldr.

Not one to pass up father/son sex play, he rushes off to Edmonton to give some lucky lad a size 5 poop chute. When he arrives, he realizes he'll need "protection" as his wife warned him to stop coming home smelling like twink ass and semen.

So maybe this picture is of Zeke's truck. Who's to say? If it is, it's a great memento of a happier time...before syphilis claimed his left nut and left the other one to die of loneliness.

Point is, this guy is parked like a socially retarded howler monkey tripping on a gram of prime California peyote.

My advice? Lay off the drugs. Lay off the pre-teen boy ass. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Escalade Escapade

Reader submitted. Who doesn't love other people doing your work? Thank you!!!

Whenever I see an Escalade, I expect to see it full of rapper wannabes "rolling 4 deep", popping "caps" in "asses". But according to the person who took this picture, it's owner (or the person who jacked it) is a fat balding white guy. So, in other words, a rapper manager wannabe.

And you know what? That describes pretty much all the folks who park like idiots in Alberta. Fat, lazy, corn fed human pigs that are too lazy to park like a normal person.

But I digress. Slant parking across two stalls makes you Dumb Fuck Of The Day! And now your fat ass family can finally be proud of you and your Pimp-Mobile! Score!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Crossing The Line

Reader submitted. Thanks for whipping ass anonymously!

Sometimes when you park, it's hard to tell where exactly the front of your car falls. Sure, it's still annoying to see another car with the tip of their nose in your parking area but this? This is a sure sign that we have to curb all the inbreeding that takes place in Alberta.

Only some deformed, half blind, hillbilly baby with crooked teeth and a lisp could possibly be so stupid as to park like this. When tires start crossing the front of your parking stall, you know you're special. And that's why we have specific schools and buses dedicated to your type.

So get a new helmet. Sell your car to someone deserving. Hop on the train to Special Town and let the drooling begin.

Or just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Ode To A Dodge Ram Owner

You're a dumb old coot
With a big red truck
You can't park like that
Come on. What the fuck?

Who the Hell are you
To park like a prick?
You take up two spots
'Cause you have no dick.

So, to you? A wish
That I hope will work
Stop being an ass
And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Silverado Bravado?

Reader submitted. Thanks for being able to point and click a camera!

It's hard to tell but this looks like a Silverado. For all the parked vehicles I chase, I've not become a "car scientist" so I can't pick one from the other out from a crowd. It's what's kept me from joining the Police force or the local car thieves guild.

Whatever it is, it's parked poorly. Encroaching on the right hand parking space. A crying shame. Not only because it's a waste of a space but because it's sad to see so many stupid people all on one planet.

To myself, I say Learn Your Friggin' Vehicles, Moron!

To him, I say Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Horrible Cycle

Reader submitted. Thanks for being a photographic bad ass!

Say, Mr. Motorcycle Rider, do you need a Motor Vehicle license to operate that thing?

You do?

And do you need insurance to drive that hunk of pasted together plastic?


Wow. So that means you're driving a motor vehicle. Then what makes you so special that you don't have to use the parking lot?

Oh! Because your child sized bike fits on the sidewalk. I see.

Listen up, asshole. A SMART car also fits on the sidewalk. Should they get to park there too?

Park in a parking stall like everyone else, you pompous douche!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Superstore Parking Whore

If you missed the last post that talked about the child molester's rusty white van, here's a second chance to see it off to the right. While he's still a douche, the truck further ahead of him is a bona fide ass lick.

Like his wife, his truck is double wide. And so he thinks he can take double the parking spaces. While I'm sure it's just to keep his lard filled wife from denting the doors of nearby vehicles should she slip out of the cab of the truck and cause a 2.9 earthquake, the fact remains that he's taking up two spaces like a chubby chasing dick smack!

Get your over inflated spouse on a low carb diet and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Suck It, Rust Bucket!

The infamous white van. Ride of choice for child abductors and animal molesters. And it looks like this bad boy has been around the block, no pun intended.

If you're going to be touching children inappropriately and buggering small dogs, you should really stop drawing attention to yourself by parking like a retard.

Do your profession/lifestyle a favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Reader submitted. Thanks for being the Batman of handicapped parking spaces!

What do you get when you mix a fancy schmancy sports car with handicap parking? Either a gimpy guy with a good lawyer or some dick smack who deserves an old fashioned stoning.

Even if this person is crippled beyond belief and has to use two midgets to operate the gas and brake pedals, what is up with this park job? Did we start giving the blind licenses? What's next? Giving pedophiles daycare jobs?

Get a clue, ass munch. Stop being such a drain on humanity and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Move Your Van, Man!

Reader submitted! Thanks for catching one of Edmonton's dumbest at their best!

Why is the world's economy starting to crumble? Because of people like this. People who only think of themselves.

"Ooooooo, I'd better take up two parking spaces before the lot starts to fill up. This way, my rental van will be returned to the welfare depot in pristine condition. I just wish I knew how to get my family's cat urine stench out of the upholstery."

Wake up, ass twin. You aren't the only person who uses a parking lot. You ARE the only person to marry your daughter after she's given birth to your grandchild, though. Guess you have SOMETHING going for you!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Sometimes folks make my job here too easy. In this case, it's the lame ass driver who has made this posting much simpler.


BEZZY is slang for "bitch". It also describes a girl as "a slut; stupid; a whore".

Well, that pretty much describes this parker to a tee. And we all know my feelings on vanity plates. Makes morons like this easier to spot in public.

So, BEZZY...what can I say that you haven't already? Except Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Vanity Jackoff

You've got to love vanity plates. Makes assholes like this easier to identify in the real world.

You wanted to stand out. With a park job like that, how could you not?

And you thought we'd all judge you by your big ears, elephant like nose and horrendous back acne. Pffft!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Mitsubishi - Japanese For Douchebag

While there are two vehicles parked like complete and total idiots, it all starts with the sporty penis extension on the right.

Simply stated, what the hell were you thinking? You are just about the most ignorant asshole this website has seen. And although the van next to you also parked like an idiot, I'm so glad he did. And I sincerely hope he had a passenger who dinged the hell out of your vehicle.

You are the reasons hamsters eat their young and women turn gay.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Typical Albertan Truck Owner

We're seeing it here almost daily. Truck owners who just dump their truck in any old position in a parking lot. These are probably the same guys who hire hookers and leave them for dead on abandoned country roads.

If you can't park your vehicle correctly, you shouldn't be driving it. Just like if you can't satisfy your woman, you shouldn't driving that either.

My advice to you? Buy a hatchback. Get a fat ugly chick with low standards. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Smart Like Screen Door On Submarine

It's looking like if you drive a Sierra, you're probably dumber than a piece of horse shit run over and sun baked on the side of a country road. Not that they aren't a quality truck but, rather, based on the number of bad parkers who drive them.

Like this fucking idiot. He turns the corner to get into the spot and, instead of straightening himself out, just leaves things as is. If he had a passenger (like some fat bitch named Buella or an obese gay life partner named Andy), she/he undoubtedly dinged the car next to his.

It's folks like this that need a shotgun blast to the face and a porcupine shoved up their ass. And what the hell! Why not throw in a really nasty paper cut too!

When you're rotting in Hell and having a red hot poker slammed into your ass every hour on the hour, remember this is partially why you're there. I know. You'll probably enjoy it at first. Who wouldn't? But it'll get to you over time.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Cause and Affect (Yes...AFFECT!)

A nice demonstration of how one waste of oxygen can turn someone else into a total jizz stain of a parker.

See the car on the far right? He's crowding the line of his parking spot. That alone makes him worth less than a homeless woman's three month old tampon covered in lint. But because of their thoughtless action, the car next to him (either subconsciously or otherwise) has parked like a total ass lick.

Two wrongs don't make a right. So, to the both of you, pull your heads out of your asses...or each other's asses...and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Sierra Club You Upside The Head

Another Sierra parked by a passenger of the short school bus. Obviously, a person like this has the inability to finish things. I'll bet their house is full of unfinished projects.

Model airplanes half built.

Partially built wooden shelves in the workshop.

The wife still on her back waiting for this dick-less wonder to "finish the job" like a real man.

And now? A truck that hasn't been pulled fully into its allotted space. Shameful.

Cowboy up, hillbilly, and finish something for once in your life. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My-Yi-Yi Corolla (Is Parked Incorrectly)

What can we deduce from this picture?

(1) This person has an ass big enough to require it's own area code, hence the reason they left so much space on the driver's side.

(2) They're lonely and alone. You'd think if they had a passenger or ANYONE who could stand to spend even one second with them, they'd leave them some room to get out on the passenger side should someone park next to them.

(3) They'll be first against the wall when the revolution starts. The New World Order has no room for asshole parkers, looters or finger sniffers.

So do yourself a favor for now and the future and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Minneapolis Motherf***ker

Reader submitted from the Minneapolis airport. Way to keep the Twin Cities on it's toes!

This is another first. Parking in an area that's not even a parking spot. This is a great example of douche-baggery at it's best.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this vehicle belongs to a senior. A senior who plays a LOT of shuffle board. And when he saw those horizontal lines, he slammed the car into neutral and glided into his final resting place. Score!

My second guess is that this car belongs to a Grade A fuck nut who couldn't be bothered to search around for an open space. Listen pal. We all hate going to the airport. It's busy. It's crowded. It smells like foreign ass on the best of days. But the world doesn't revolve around you. So smarten the fuck up before someone pistol whips you in the men's room. And by pistol, I mean penis.

By the way, although the world doesn't revolve around you, feel free to rotate on my middle finger. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Short Hiatus

Just to update you all...I'm in the process of moving and will be without high speed internet access for the next few days. But keep on sending in your photos. I've already received a bunch over the long weekend and they will be posted next week. Thanks for contributing.

Since you're in such a giving mood, feel free to send large wads of cash to pay for my stupidly inconvenient move. That's the last time I bet my house on red 30. Long story short? Roulette is gay.

So, instead of you checking the site everyday and getting pissed that I haven't done sweet fuck all on the site, you can take a short breather and start coming back on September 8th. That's when I'll have spliced the neighbors cable and hijacked his steady flow of animal porn.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Mustang Sally Dilly Dally!

Reader submitted! Not sure where you're from or any details about this pic. You truly are a parking lot ninja!

I would like to assume that this pecker head is handicapped in some way at the very least. Because if not, they're the Tri-fecta of Asshole-dom!

(1) Strike one would be not being handicapped but parking in their spaces.

(2) Strike two would be taking up TWO handicap spaces! That alone warrants anal rape with a cactus!

(3) Strike three would be driving a Silver Mustang. What? Are you trying to be the Lone Ranger? Do you wear a raccoon mask and boss Native Americans around too? I'll bet you do! Douche!

No matter the situation, you're parked like a Royal Cocksucker!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sierra Missed It By That Much

Say, hillbilly! That's a mighty fine truck you have. And *sniff* *sniff*. Is that Eau de Daughter's Vagina on your upper lip? Wow. It's soooooo you!

I can't help but notice you parked on an angle, thereby taking up 2 parking spaces.

What's that? You don't know what "thereby" means? Oh. And I'm using too many big words?

Well, let me sum it all up for you so you can head back to the canola fields and sodomize your nephews Huey, Dewey and Lewey.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

3 from B.C. Part 3

Reader submitted from B.C. No commentary from him as he felt it's pretty self explanatory. Won't stop me from sounding off though!

Backing up a vehicle into a parking spot takes a bit of skill. And it should have been one of the first things you learn when driving a car. Apparently THIS driver got his license from a box of Cracker Jacks and never had to learn how to do things properly.

It's probably why his wife gets "orally administered" to by a 17 year old box boy from the local Safeway. It's a fact. Can't back up a car? Then you can't eat box correctly.

True story.

So do your wife a favor, pencil dick, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

3 from B.C. Part 2

Part two of a reader submission from British Columbia. He even supplied the italicized commentary. He's the Swiss Army Knife of online submissions!

B.C. guy says: This dumbass, as you can see, is parked on a side strip (on the opposite side of the same parking lot as the previous pic). What is fascinating is this was taken about an hour after I saw her pull into the spot, right behind a truck, nearly touching it's bumper in the process. There is no parking space behind her, so technically she could park further back over the yellow line a bit, but she leaves enough room back there for a Smart car to fit in! I was in a rush during the first sighting, otherwise I would have caught video!

Having your nose or rear extended over a parking line is bad enough, but front tires too? That qualifies you for Gunt Of The Year! Why? Because you're obviously used to having excess baggage hanging over the front of everything you do.

But what am I thinking? Let me translate that for you into your native tongue:


Two tidbits of advice: (1) smarten the fuck up! and (2) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, August 25, 2008

3 from B.C. Part 1

Reader submitted from British Columbia. He even supplied his own commentary. Pretty soon, you guys will want to post directly to the site and cut me out completely. You ungrateful bastards!

B.C. guy says: This guy left only a few inches on either side of him. He's parked closer to the white car than is apparent. I was about to take another shot from the backside, but somebody (owner?) came strolling toward the vehicle by that point. Good thing he didn't see me!

Good thing indeed. This reader is a level 10 ninja master with a hair trigger temper. I pity the poor bastard who tries to stop him from taking pictures of bad parkers or honey bees. Ker-POW!

To the owner of the metallic diarrhea brown truck above: get a clue, queef. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Save On More Parking Whore

Reader submitted. Taken from your vehicle, I see. Smart move. Keeps the risk of an ass kicking to a minimum.

Let's see here. You have a piece of shit truck worth...what? 50 bucks in scrap metal? You obviously weren't parking so no one would ding your doors. If anything, people wouldn't want to park next to you anyways, just in case the twist ties holding your antique chariot gave way.

You may just be blind judging from the mismatched parts on your crud mobile. But even a blind person would try and pull in straight to escape notice.

No, you're just a bag of wet monkey shit who thinks he's owed the world just because you had to repeat the 1st grade 6 times. It's probably all that time spent around kids that made you the pedophile corn holing fuck nut you are today.

Do the world a favor now that it's given YOU so much. Either deep throat the barrel of a shotgun and inhale deeply or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

More Crooked Than A Politician

Just because your woman to say this nicely...rotund (for the layman, that means you've got a fat bitch) and you have to enter her sideways in order for her to feel anything at all DOESN'T mean you should do the same thing with a parking stall.

For one, it's probably not as wide as your woman's poonany.

Secondly, it publicly shows just how stupid you are; making you a target for scammers, high interest credit card companies and good old fashion ass whuppings!

My professional recommendation? Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I'd Shoot Lincoln Too!

How ironic that this vehicle is a "Navigator". Looks like this guy couldn't maneuver his way out of his boyfriend's ass with a jar of lube and a shoe horn.

I mean, come on! How much skill do you need to park your vehicle BETWEEN the lines? Look at the other cars around you. They seemed to be able to do it. Why couldn't you? Did centuries of your family's inbreeding finally wipe out all semblance of intelligence? Can you not work the steering wheel effectively with your flippers? Did you think your cruise control was some sort of auto pilot that would park your car?

Listen, Jethro. When you're visiting our province, do yourself and everyone else a favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Come On Now!

Short and sweet:

It's folks like this that give the kids on the short school bus a bad name.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Corporate Shenanigans

First off, let me tell you one brand of water I shan't be soaking my sweaty testicles in: Glaceau Vitamin Water. And it's all because their demo staff haven't got a clue about how to park their trailer.

Granted, it's a tricky situation. And, more than likely, I'd post their picture no matter how they parked because I guarantee they still be violating some unwritten parking lot rule. But sticking your ass end out well beyond the limit of your parking stall? Idiocy!

My suggestion to Mr. Fancy Hose Water Man? Learn To Park, Jerk!

By the way, if you're a fancy water company that knows how to park and wants the honor of being the official Ball Soaking Liquid of Learn To Park, Jerk, feel free to contact me via the e-mail address at the bottom of this page. We're always willing to give free advertising in exchange for keeping our boys cool!

Friday, August 15, 2008

IKEA - Swedish for "Parks Like A Jackass"

Reader submitted. Even the title was supplied. My life just keeps getting easier and easier!

Hey jerk off! Put THIS together: what happens when you take up four parking spaces at a busy shopping complex in 2008?

Answer: Thanks to modern technology, you get your picture taken and posted online for the whole world to see within 24 hours. And thanks to karma and "wishful thinking" by some of our more vengeful readers, you'll probably be anally raped with a porcupine dildo by the end of the weekend.

So, on behalf of everyone who had to park even further from IKEA thanks to you, a mighty FUCK YOU and a Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, August 14, 2008


Reader submitted. Thanks for helping flip the virtual bird to bad parkers!

You're at work hauling equipment to the next job site when RING RING!!! It's the wife calling. She feels bloated, the dog's driving her crazy and she's only got enough feminine products to last until supper. You know that if you don't haul ass to the nearest drug store and pick up a 24 pack of O.B's, a four pack of paper towels and a pint of Cherry Garcia, you're ass is sleeping in the garage until the second coming of Jesus.

So you pull into the nearest parking lot and damn near abandon your vehicle in any old fashion to get what your water retaining Queen is asking for. And who would possibly care that you take up 6 or 7 parking spots in the process?

Well, I guess now we know. So, while I'm glad you kept your wife from turning your white suede sofa into a biological copy of the Canadian flag, you pissed off enough people to get you featured on the site.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Stuck In The Middle With Screw You!

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting more humps than an Arab with a smooth stick and a fleet of camels!!!

It's becoming an age old story. Boy meets car. Boy loves car. Boy buys car. Boy tries to park car but retard with a truck is crowding the last parking spot in the lot. So Boy gets key and gouges the hell out of Forrest Gump-mobile and initiates a Chicken Blood Voodoo Curse.

Happens every day. For real.

We need a parking lot vigilante. Someone to wear tights, a cape and a mask who will pee on hoods and take a taco induced dump in the back of trucks. And, if time permits, leave a well worded note telling them to smarten the fuck up.

Until then, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Pair of Dorks Part 2

Reader submitted. And what a doozy!

Here we have a local business representative with his name plastered all over his van. Parking like a jack ass in your vehicle is somewhat anonymous. But parking like a Mongoloid Mutant Wiener Sniffer in a vehicle that readily identifies you is just plain stupid.

What the hell were you thinking? Are you this stupid when it comes to your trade? Do I dare turn on a light after you've fiddled around with it? Plainly, you lack common sense, proper etiquette and underarm deodorant (just a guess on that last point).

Long story short, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Pair of Dorks Part 1

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting these jack holes!

My, oh my! Two bad parkers side by side. Today, we'll focus on the car and leave the van for tomorrow. Why overload on the fun and leave ourselves spent? If I wanted to do that, I'd rub one out before my morning coffee.

I just don't understand why people can't park properly between the lines. I mean, they're bright yellow. They're universal. It's not like it's a new system the world has implemented and it's taking awhile to catch on. It's a fucking parking lot!

Just throwing out a theory here: Bad parkers make bad lovers.

For the guys who can't seem to settle in between the lines, I picture you blindly stabbing your pork sword forward against some poor woman's (or guys) inner legs for hours, trying to get it in.

And the ladies who park like crap? I picture more than one of you with an eye patch; having had your ocular socket skewered by throbbing man meat when you couldn't line yourself up for a proper BJ.

Am I wrong? Am I right? Who gives a shit! You're a fucking idiot! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Saskatchewanna Park Like That For?

The three most common lies in Western Canada are:

(1) I left my wallet in my other pants.

(2) I'll call you right back.

(3) I'll only stick it in a little ways.

Well, this parking space rapist has stuck it in a little ways and, let me tell you, it doesn't feel very good. Maybe this sort of thing flies in Saskatchewan when you aren't busy "husking the corn cob" but here in Alberta, well, we do the same damn thing. But we do it without all the produce up our asses.

Nevertheless, you've been busted. So smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!