Monday, June 30, 2008

Don't Know Jack In Fort Mac

Reader submitted from Fort McMurray, AB. Thanks for the mighty fine pic!

So here's another first: I'm almost defending this bad parkers actions.


If you look to the far left of the picture, you see another bone head hugging the line of his stall. In light of that, I almost understand why this guy had to park like a complete jackass.

What wins him a spot is the fact that the extra stall this guy is mooching is blocked off by a traffic cone.

Dude, the edge of the cone doesn't denote the edge of the space needed. It means the whole space is reserved. If you had been a line hugger as well and not put a third of your hill billy mobile over the line, you probably could have gotten away with this. But you got greedy and now look at you: featured on a stupid website like this.

It's almost as embarrassing as getting caught touching yourself in a woman's lingerie store while you're "shopping for a friend".

So, while I see why this dude parked bad, he didn't have to park THIS bad.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Two For One? Screw that!

This is such a beautiful picture, it should be framed and set over a mantle piece. It's the classic bad parker in between two individuals who know what the hell they're doing.

Another way of looking at this is: it's a moron truck driver who probably knocked his last brain cell out of his head installing a hitch on the back of the truck so he can haul dead kitten carcasses he drowned on his farm to the nearest Chinese Food restaurant with intelligent car drivers acting as bookends.

However, thanks to this site, we know that car drivers can be utter retards too, so the first assumption stands as a better explanation.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

D'uh...What's The Purdy Lines Fer?

Nice blurry shot. Guess that's what happens when you have sex in the back of a moving vehicle with an epileptic.

Nevertheless, what is this ass pirate doing? I know the car to his right was there before him because it was there when I first parked here. Then some inconsiderate jizz stain pulls up beside him and takes up part of his spot?

That's just fucking rude! If there's ever been a precedence for pissing in someones air vents, this could be it. I hope the poor guy had a passenger who dinged the hell out of your door. You know, it's almost like you wanted someone to damage your car.

Let me guess. It's your wife's car and you suspect her of deep throating the kid who stocks shelves at the local IGA. Well, you'll show her. You'll get her car scratched up mighty nice.

Good one, jack ass! Why don't you just pull her hair and call her poopy pants while you're at it.

Just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A Ford Three Spaces?

Reader submitted! Extreme thanks as I think this particular style of parking is a first for Learn To Park, Jerk!

Here we have someone's company vehicle stretching across not one, not two but THREE parking spaces. Oh, and look! One of them is a handicap space. That's just icing on the cake of Jackassery! Mmmmm good!

In this dick hole's defense (or vagina crater), he/she is parked diagonally. So if you drove a Vespa or a handicap adapted Smart Car, you could theoretically park on either side. But, really, that isn't much of a defense. He's parked like an ass and it shows.

So, a round of applause, please, for another bad parking first, and a heart felt SCREW YOU TOO to the driver!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Crossed The Line

Maybe some of these folks think that you're supposed to line up the center of your vehicle with one of the yellow lines. Kind of like a monorail concept. But this wanker would still be in the wrong. What a naturally bad parker!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Peace River Blues

Reader submitted from way up north. Thanks for sending us these!


We knew there were rumors. Bad parkers ARE everywhere, not just in Edmonton. And what a doozy this one is.

A line violator is bad. But encroaching on the handicap parking spot is just low. It's watching your sister take a shower kind of low. Spanking your monkey at a school playground kind of low. Flashing a blind man when you have really nice appendages kind of low.

Tag it. Tow it. Sell it at auction. Then send this jerk back to BC. Not that THAT will help him improve his parking. But we have enough peckerheads here messing up the parking situation as it is. We don't need to be importing more!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 20, 2008

No Name Nonsense

This arse wipe is taking up two spaces. Ho hum...same old same old. But the thing is, I watched this jerk back up and park his vehicle THREE times.

Three tries and you couldn't get it right? No one was even around you, pressuring you to park faster. You are just naturally this stupid.

You, sir, should NOT have received your license.

To actually see this in action was sad, indeed. Like watching someone get mugged. Way to bring the party down, moron.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wanna Be A Cripple?

Yet another fuck face using the handicap spot to "run a quick errand".

You could argue that maybe this is a handicapped person that forgot their parking permit. Fair enough. Except I know a few "challenged" folks who have this permit and they treat it like the second coming of Jesus. The thing never leaves their side. I think they even shower with it.

Yes, the handicap spot is cherry. Yes, it's prettier than a choir boy to a preacher. But it's off limits! Period!

So Learn To Park, Jerk. And don't be so fucking lazy!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Altima Online

Reader submitted. Extreme thanks!

"God damn, dear. I seem to have blown our entire nest egg on a Nissan Altima!"

"Dahling, how will we evah survive a 6 year lease?"

"For starters, no more birth control for either of us. I'll cut back on Barely 18 porn and you'll have to stop servicing the milkman for free. And we'll start sneaking Tupperware into the Royal Fork Buffet!"

"Now I know why I married you. You're a thinkin' man! I love you, Zeke!"

"Ditto, sis! Now help me park this overpriced dick on wheels so that I look like a douche bag to everyone around me."

Seriously, what the hell is this pube salad doing? You've violated the parking space next to you, thereby making it unusable by anyone except motorcycles and Gumby and Pokey. And you also park halfway down the spot itself? What the fuck?

Now, maybe these are over sized stalls and the nose of your Altima ISN'T poking out the front like a school boy's erection. But cripes! Are you unloading Malaysian hookers with low self esteem from your trunk? Why such a gap?

Either way, smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Dodge Ram It Up Your Ass!

Reader submitted. Thanks for caring!

What is it with trucks and parking spaces? Have we found the new oil and water of the 21st century? Are these two things not supposed to mix well? It sure as hell seems that way!

How do you park like this and NOT know you're taking up two spots? You don't! This was deliberate. And, to be honest, I think it really says a lot about many Edmonton truck owners. And what it says is that they're mostly a bunch of pussies.

"Whoa there. That's pretty harsh. What the hell?" I can hear some of you asking that very question...

Consider this...truck commercials show swarthy men hauling steel girders and concrete blocks around with their Ford and Dodge trucks. They put their ATV's and motorbikes on the back and drive for miles across dirt roads.

Now, cut to real life. "Oh my gosh! I'm going to take up two parking spaces so no one will park near me. I'll just DIE if my truck gets dinged or brushed against by someone's over sized trench coat. Waaaaaaah! Maybe I should set up flares and cones too!"

Listen Nancy Boy/Daddy's Girl. You bought a truck/had a truck bought for you. Toughen up. If you want to keep it in pristine condition, leave it in your garage! Stop giving truck owning manly men and plaid wearing lesbians a bad name!

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Altima In Bad Parking

First off, the guy to the left is NOT the owner/driver of this vehicle. The poor chap was caught in some bad parking crossfire. See? Bad parking affects everybody!

So why is this car featured? I mean, he's only taking up half a space and part of a cart corral. Where's the damage?

Well, the site is about bad parking, period. This guy is, thankfully, not taking up two spaces per se but he still parked like an idiot. Enough so to make it on this site! Congrats!

Now, let's have a moment of silence for the poor man who had to be included in this shot. Now that the victims of bad parking has a face...or at least a rear shot, remember this the next time you want to park like an ass. The poor guy...with his french bread or flowers...or whatever the hell he's carrying. It's enough to make you cry! *sob*

And to the bad parker...Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Too Long But Not Where It Counts

You see someone with a truck, you think (besides the traditional "Redneck Alert"), "There goes someone who, more than likely, works hard for a living. They probably lug lumber, machine parts and hooker corpses for a living. God bless 'em!"

But then you see a truck owner parked like this. How LAZY is this person for not pulling forward two more feet? Two feet!!! It's not like it's a Flintstone vehicle where you propel it with your feet. It does all the work for you!

Yep, it's a long vehicle. And yep, it's got a shin killing hitch sticking out the back, making it extra long. But it's made you park like a complete ass. I think truck dealers should warn you before buying a monstrosity like this.

"Just to warn you, sir. By purchasing this vehicle, you're agreeing to take up a minimum of two parking spaces everywhere you go and be hated the world over."

"Why, that's alright. Ever since my sister and I had our third child, we're pretty much shunned by society. Where do I sign?"

*Conversation completely fictional. Any semblance to real events purely coincidental. Now squeal like a pig for me.

Solution? I don't know. Either forced Smart Car ownership for a year or put this truck in a compactor for a minute. Resize it so it'll fit in a stall properly.

And for the driver? Learn To Park, Jerk!

Civic Duty

New theory: people who park like this are those people you see who can barely see over the steering wheel of their car in the first place. So, it would make sense that they wouldn't be able to see the lines in the parking lot that well. I guess it's totally justifiable to park so stupidly.

Yeah. Right.

Look, Frodo. Buy a booster seat. Strap some cans to your feet to help you reach the pedals. Do whatever it takes to help you see the road and the lines in the lot. There's a reason not many of you left the Shire.

And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Stupidity Isn't A Handicap

Reader contributed. Thanks so much!

Here's another first! Someone parked in a handicap space that ISN'T handicapped!

OK, THAT isn't a first. But it's the first time it's been captured in picture form on THIS site.

Look. I know. The handicap have life soooooo good. They get the best parking spots. The largest bathroom stalls. The pity vote. And I know a lot of you probably want to put it to those smug bastards by using their parking spaces when there's no sign of a wheelchair around. But then you run the risk of being displayed on some jerks' website devoted to moronic parkers. And oopsy! That's just what happened.

So, Mr. Ontario Dinkus, welcome to the Land of Idiot Parkers! I see you've made yourself at home! Bravo!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

B-Audi Behavior

Reader contributed. Thanks for lending a hand!

You know, maybe I've been blaming all the wrong people for all these bad park jobs. I mean, with more and more people depending on GPS nowadays, maybe that has something to do with this phenomenon.

"Turn left in 100 metres."

Turn right in 12 metres."

"Park like a jackass and take up two parking spots in 1 metre. Because you're special."

So if you have a Tom Tom/Garmin/whatever, please pass this message onto your provider:

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 13, 2008

2 Pics, 1 Putz

Now here's a situation where two pictures help tell more of the story. It's the story of a twat who not only crowds (and probably crosses) the passenger side line of his parking spot, he puts his big fat nose into the spot in front of him. So he's potentially ruining four spots at once. JACKPOT!

Judging by the condition of the vehicle, we can safely assume he isn't trying to protect the pristine beauty of his chariot. Nope. This looks like a case of pure ignorance, blatant stupidity and inbred moronacy!

OK, moronacy isn't a real word. But I'm making it one! How stupid do you have to be to park like this?

Do us a favor, pal! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Red Lobster Retard

As the title says, this was taken at a Red Lobster. While I don't usually mention where pictures were taken, this time I think it's important.

If you've ever been to a Red Lobster during dinner time, you probably know how crowded the place can get. And you probably know how hard it can be to find a good parking spot during that time. Well, here's an ass hat who not only took up two spaces during the supper rush, he did it by the entrance. Two premium spaces taken up by a thoughtless jerk wad.

You're a class act all the way, my friend.

Do us all a favor - start eating at home and Learn To Park, Jerk!

It's A Long Shot

Yup, this shot was taken from a fair distance away but you can still see what's going on. One truck. Two spaces. Pure stupidity.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Side By Side Pt. 2

Reader contributed. Merci beaucoup! (Boy, I hope that means Thank You. If I've insulted your family or insinuated you have small genitalia, I apologize!)

In the last post, we saw a black truck hanging outside of his parking space but not necessarily "hurting" anyone. You can still see him in the left of this photo.

And lookie here! Another moron right beside him. Two side by side. It's an abnormality of Nature. Like finding a four leaf clover only without the lucky side effect!

What can I say...a line crossing dill weed in a BMW. And it's not like he's parking awkwardly to avoid the stupidly parked truck to his left. He's an independent idiot!

So, dude? Learn To Park, Jerk!

Side By Side Pt. 1

Reader contributed. Again, very much appreciated!

Now, I can hear some of you say "Hey, Mr. Website Jerk, this guy isn't hurting anyone with his retarded approach to parking." And, you know what? I agree. But this website is about dick heads who don't know how to park, period. And this truck toting moron is a great example of that.

And consider this: what if a couple of extra wide vehicles happen to try and drive past each other on the passenger side of this truck? With him hanging out over the side, there could be an awkward situation resulting in a fiery explosion and multiple injuries!

Ok, that's a stretch, but it COULD happen. Either way, just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Look At Those Pair

Reader submitted photo. Thank you so much! This is a rare find. Keep 'em coming!

So what are we looking at? I'll tell you what we're looking at. Two fuck heads in one shot. If I had to pick one to defend (and I'm sure as hell not defending either), I'd have to say the douche on the left is less of an offender. Don't get me wrong. He/she/it is a line hugger, for sure. Undoubtedly needing the extra space on the driver side to allow room to adjust their giant head because they obviously think they're the only person on the planet who uses a parking lot.

But the person on the right is a much bigger douche bag. Totally violating two parking spaces at the same time. Oh, and lookie's a truck/SUV. Surprise surprise.

sigh...Look folks. I'm not sure you know what the lines in a parking lot are for. Maybe you think they were put there as some sort of Art Nouveau thing or maybe you believe they're like crop circles; you don't know how they got there but dang "they shure are purdy!"

Whatever the reason, smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Innie or Audi?

Reader submitted photo. Again, much thanks for keeping your eyes open for stuff like this!

Anyway, men think with their penises. When their penis is too small, they buy an expensive car to help in the decision making process. When the car starts doing your thinking, you do stupid things.

You start wearing gold chains and low buttoned shirts well into your 50's.

You hang out in school parking lots to hit on young girls and offer them rides.

You begin parking like an asshole.

Now, what if this is a female owned vehicle? Easy.

Escorts make a lot of money. Want a Rub and tug? $200. A Bag and gag? $250. A Twist and shout? $500 and a lot of ointment afterwards.

The point is, these gals make a lot of money and are just as susceptible to buying fancy cars to make up for low self esteem. And since these gals use sex as power, that thinking spills over into real life and you begin parking like a bitch.

Either way, this dip shit is taking up two spaces and needs a firm kick in the teeny weenie/gigantic box.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 6, 2008

It Takes Two...

Reader submitted photo. Nice shot! Kudos and much thanks to you! :)

Just when I think truck owners have the monopoly on being inconsiderate jizz bags, I start seeing more and more sporty looking cars ruining things for everyone. And this looks like the same old story: "I just bought this car with the profits from my kiddie porn and crystal meth manufacturing home based business. Don't ding my car or I won't be able to lure kids back to my place!"

Well, I feel for you. My car has been dinged, dented and breathed upon by the common folk of Alberta. It sucks. But that's life! So what do we say to asses like this, kids?


I guarantee, someone is eventually going to start wreaking havoc on cars parked like this. I don't advocate it but I wouldn't stop anyone taking a piss in their gas tank either.

So, do yourself a really big favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I'm Talon On You

Well, this person's obviously not trying to protect their vehicle. I can only assume they have a rotund companion that requires extra room to squeeze out of the passenger side.

It's a shame you can't get a handicap parking permit for transporting the obese. Those spaces are huge and you could probably park your vehicle horizontal in them, thereby reducing your chances of ending up on a site like this.

Until the rules change, kindly (a) get a treadmill and stomach stapling coupon for your companion and (b) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Stay Clear!!!

OK, this is a strange combination. A piece of crap vehicle taking up two spaces? Very odd. Perhaps the doors are held on with bungie cords and old Nicorette gum AND the driver is trying to keep from damaging your vehicle should it give up the ghost.

More than likely, it's just some dumb ass who thinks they own the world. I'd have to think that if God/Buddha/Allah drove a vehicle, they'd (A) not drive a rusted piece of crap like this (B) would have a cool vanity plate like "1TRUGOD" and (C) would sport a bumper sticker that says "I scored with the Virgin Mary!"

Since I can guarantee you're just some schlub being an ass, do us all a favor and:

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Park The Line

Another user submitted photo. Thanks for your contribution. Looks like we frequent the same parking area.

So here's yet another line hugger. I'm starting to think folks like this are single. I mean, they're only concerned about themselves and not what would happen if someone decided to park in the space you so thoughtlessly encroached upon. Your spouse/paid escort would be hard pressed to open their door while you have more than enough room on the drivers side! Class act, pal!

My advice to you, single moronic parker? If you ever want to find that special someone, get a clue and learn a little etiquette. The way you park tells us loads about you.

Learn to park, jerk!

Van Damn!

Reader submitted photo. Much thanks for your pic!

So what do we have here? A van sprawled out across two spaces? What the hell were you thinking? Were you unloading the A-Team on a top secret mission and needed room for them to run out guns a-blazing?

Look, it might be a challenge to load/unload your van via the side door but that's why the whole back end of your vehicle opens up. Stop being a parking lot jackass!

Learn to park, jerk!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Another Classic Breed of Jerk

Even more "Classic" than the Two Space Hog is the Diagonal Two Space Hog. Here's an ass hat who KNOWS that he's being a jerk ass. "I spent $50,000 on this mid-life crisis and I'll damn well take up two spaces to keep the poor from parking near me."

Now, I don't condone vandalism in the slightest BUT if anyone deserves it, it's dipshits like this. I've said it before: Don't want to chance getting your expensive car dinged? Leave it the fuck at home!

Learn To Park, Jerk!!!


He's either a line hugger gone awry or he actually took up two spaces to protect his investment. Yes sir, a beauty like this needs protection 24/7. A scratch could cause this boat to lose all structural integrity and disintegrate.

Just learn to park, jerk. Cripes!