Friday, July 16, 2010

Driving Force A Foot Up Your Ass


You've got to love the freedom that comes with a rental vehicle. You never have to care about it as though it were your own because...well, it's NOT !

It's the same freedom they get when they swap sisters at their weekly family reunion/swinger's get together. They'll always push the swapped sister farther because 'she ain't my property since I dun lost 'er in a game of homersexual Slap Ass.'

Good luck with your three headed webbed toed babies and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Optima Prime Asshole


Viewer submitted. You crafty parking lot ninja, you!

Just like our previous post, here we have someone who parks outside the assigned parking stall area.

Perhaps they think those yellow lines are made of rubber and affords more traction should the parkade fall victim to an earthquake.

Or, perhaps, they feel the rules of society don't apply to them. So, they'll park on the yellow lines, shit on public toilet seats and drop the "N" bomb in casual conversation even though they're obviously white trash.

Or it could just quite possibly be...and this is a stretch...that this person is just a God Damn Fucking Asshole.

You know...that last one just feels right.

Hey, God Damn Fucking Asshole?

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Porsche - German for Asswipe


Viewer submitted. Thanks for stalking men in fancy cars! It's already paying off!

Learn To Park, Jerk! presents a classic story:

Meet Boy.

Boy likes other boys.

Boy lives in uptight small community where the only homo is the town clergy.

Boy blows town clergy.

Boy becomes Man and later sues town clergy for molestation.

Man becomes rich.

Man buys welfare version of Porsche Carrera and moves to Big Gay City.

Man gets blown then killed by local fuckhead and has Porsche stolen.

Local fuckhead parks like the cocksucker he is and gets photographed.

Local photographer becomes featured on popular website.

No one blows owner of Learn To Park, Jerk!

Ironic.

The moral of the story?

IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE PARKING NEAR YOUR STOLEN VEHICLE THAT YOU GOT THROUGH A LETHAL GAY ENCOUNTER, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 25, 2010

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!


Viewer submitted WITH an explanation. Since this makes MY job that much easier, I'll just copy and paste it down below in the same italics as this. Being a lazy prick has never been easier!

"This asshole parks at our office and was there all day, might I mention our parking lot is quite full and so there are no extra spaces unless you want to go park in the paved lot way out back.

I left one of these on his windshield."





While we don't encourage vandalism on this site, we also aren't your Daddy. Do whatever the fuck you want.

As for this dipshit of a parker, he obviously backed into the spot. It's surprising how bad his aim is since he seems like the kind of guy who backs onto men's cocks on a regular basis. I guess if his sphincter isn't at risk, the motivation just isn't there.

So either install an asshole on the back of your car (should be easy since an asshole is DRIVING the damn thing) or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Drive Your Chevy To The Levy...


...and park like a retard over there instead of here, you retarded fuck muffin!

Any clue what those yellow lines are? They aren't the same as the one in your underwear, Skid Mark. These are to position your vehicle between properly so others may park around you.

A shame you feel the rules don't apply to you, or the rules of proper personal hygiene.

Learn To Wipe Your Ass ANNNNND Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Oh, What A Feeling!


Oh yeah! It must feel REAL good parking half assed like this; ruining two parking spot with your cross eyed parking skills. You probably also get your jollies from kicking puppies down a football field and from finger banging unconscious senior citizens in the anus.

You're a disease and this website is the cure.

Well, maybe not the cure. More like a different disease fighting for territory. Like an epic battle between herpes and Hepatitis C. Both of which are better than you.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This Ain't Your Daddy's Parking Job...Oh Wait...


What happens when Grandpa shotguns a liter of prune juice to wash down half a dozen bran muffins for breakfast? He comes within a millimeter of shitting his pants in his car. So can we blame him for abandoning his Coot Cruiser so poorly as he dashes for the nearest bathroom?

You bet we can!

Kiegel your sphincter. Ease up on the colon blasting diet. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Dirty Jeepskate


Let's make a list of reasons why someone would park like this:

1. Their windshield was too dirty and they couldn't see the lines.

2. They're a result of inbreeding and their Cyclops-like eye couldn't focus properly.

3. It was a woman driver.

No, as feasible as they all sound, it all comes down to what's known as Occum's Razor, which states 'The simplest solution tends to be the correct one."

The person is a fucking idiot, plain and simple.

Kindly get yourself a sulfuric acid enema and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Little Red Corvette


Reader submitted. I'm sure petty jealousy had nothing to do with the whole "I'm telling on you!" process.

Well, here's yet another classic case of "New Car/Park Gay/Feel Secure" syndrome. In reality, it's actually "Small Dick/Loose Vagina/Fuck Off And Die".

There's two solutions for this:

(1) If you don't want your overpriced libido replacement harmed, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME, CUNT NUGGET!

(2) Donate to Learn To Park, Jerk! so we can buy a piece of shit beater to park diagonally NEXT to douche bags like this! Imagine how pissed they'll be when they come back to their vehicle and see a rusty 1986 Chevette parked next to their $50,000 small dick magnifier!

So, Corvette owner, beware! Your days are now numbered! Sell your Fag-Mobile or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Saskatche-Van


Things Alberta Gets From Saskatchewan That They Don't Need:

(1) Loose women that taste like corn

(2) Drunk Prairie dwellers who smell like corn

(3) Mentally retarded parking lot ass hats who are dumber than corn

Why would you park like such a moron? It can't be because you're afraid of someone damaging your precious baby. Let's face it; your van looks like it was scraped from inside the anus of God himself! And if it's a disability thing, you would have used the handicap parking found all over Edmonton; home to many an oilfield cripple.

No, you parked like this because you're, straight up, a fucking asshole.

Kindly take a long drive off a short pier and, while you're re-evaluating your life underwater, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Fahrvergn├╝gen This!


What would Hitler drive if he ever came out of hiding? A Volkswagen, of course. And how would he park his Fuhrer-mobile? Probably like this!

Ok. Yes, the pussy fart of a human being next to you is hugging the line like a little bitch. Shame on him and his obvious lack of common sense and sex appeal. But you...YOU park on an angle and cross over the line to compensate?

Nu-uh! Fuck you and the little Pomeranian dog you get to lick aerosol cheese off your 2 inch dong, Little Hitler! Why don't you spend less time organizing death camps, propaganda speeches and fund raising bikini car washes to put forth the effort to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Pussy Parker


How many trucks have we seen parked poorly over the past couple of years? Way too many! And here's another cunt weed who thinks it's alright to monopolize TWO stalls with his Hillbilly limousine. And at such a blatant angle, he's obviously not wanting anyone to park next to him.

Um...excuse me...Mr. Dick Stub? You're driving a GODDAMN TRUCK! A big, burly Ford F150! Not some bitch Pinto or a homosexual SMART car. A TRUCK! Are you THAT big of a pussy that you're afraid of what might happen to it? Do you just use it to transport fat bitches to Tony Roma's on All You Can Eat Rib Night or what?

Grow a pair, stop wearing panties and fucking Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Retarded Park Ranger



Reader submitted. Thanks for doing what others only dream of doing: nailing a parking lot a-hole to the wall!

Gawd DAMN! Albertans love their trucks and that's a fact! Another fact is that with their overpriced gas guzzling shit kicker vehicle comes a free lobotomy. The evidence is shown in this ass cowboy's park job.

Parking ON the line AND cutting into a handicap parking zone to boot? Wow! What a C-U-Next-Tuesday!

No doubt, he was tired after having underage school boys perform fellatio on him for hours on end, only to realize he lost his dick years ago when his old 'hawse' bit it off during his very own Brokeback Mountain camping trip.

Sir, kindly shove a jagged tin can up your ass and develop a spastic sphincter!

And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Austinker Truck Driver

Reader submitted! Way to bring another first to Learn To Park, Jerk! Video! Brilliant!



Go Big Or Go Home! That's what our Texan friends say ALL THE TIME! Well, I guess that goes for being the biggest asshole parker of all time!

Who blocks someone's driveway with their vehicle? A cock savoring fucknut, that's who! Typical redneck truck driving behavior so I'm really not surprised. But thanks for the easily recognizable vanity plate! PAPA MK? That should make the lives of all vengeful Austin parking Nazi's find you and exact justice the only way they know how! With their cameras!

And maybe a shotgun or two. Not that I endorse violence. I just happen to know far too many gun toting Texans.

On behalf of this poor driveway's owner: go fuck yourself with a rusty iron pole. I'm sure your red headed step child could use the break from servicing your size 9 poop chute! Asshole!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Station Wagon Parking Lot Dragon...PLUS!


Reader submitted. Way to take a pic from a quarter mile away! But as long as you remain safe from the big bad station wagon owner... :P

Here we have two, yes, TWO moron parkers. One in the center of the photo and another further up in the picture. TWO IDIOTS DOING THE SAME THING!

Here's a helpful lesson for all you new drivers. What do you do when a parking lot is full?

Give up?

You make your own fucking spot! Park wherever you like! To play it safe, park NEAR other people who have parked correctly. That way you'll look like less of a fucking idiot. Only your family and friends will know what a real drain of Earth's resources you are.

Both of you; do me a favor. Fuck off a gargle a rusty razor blade! And Learn To Park, Jerks!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cuntario Parker in AB


Talk about making yourself at home. This half wit spastic tard must have seen another Alberta driver park poorly and decided to try and blend in with the crowd.

If it weren't for your misplaced air of superiority and FUCKING ONTARIO LICENSE PLATE, you may have succeeded.

So, if you're not too busy eating jam out of your mother's anus and suckling on your Daddy's dong, kindly Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Grand Canyon A-Hole


God damn.

God damn. God damn. God DAMN!

How can a person like this exist on Earth? A person who parks a trillion miles from a support beam and hogs two parking spots should be anally raped with a red hot poker and bukkaked by several rutting moose. And, just to add insult to injury, the same should happen to their Grandmother while they're forced to watch.

If you can't park properly, fuck off and take the bus, shit stain! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Original Jerk Quandary


Viewer submitted by the same person as the Insult To Injury post. You even used the flash. Ballsy. Me like. (Not balls...just the ballsy attitude...)

You have two, maybe three people in a row, all parked like Ray Charles was behind the wheel after a college kegger. Usually, most of these people have to park poorly because of the actions of one limp penis. In this photo, and by using the parking CSI skills that I obtained through mail order schooling, I'd have to say it's the hillbilly Chevy to the right who started the whole mess.

Listen Cletus...I'm sure there's a redneck bitch who is appreciative of the field plowing you're trying to give her. But it's apparent (by using those same CSI parking skills) that your penis hasn't moved since Hinckley shot Reagan and, even if it did, your scabbed up trailer park whore is probably looser than your prison stretched anus.

I'd like to suggest you run a hose from the tailpipe to the cab of your Crud Mobile and idle the vehicle for a few hours while you take a nap inside. See how that goes.

Alternately, you could just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Adding Insult To Injury


Viewer submitted. Fearing retribution from a dozen Hispanic midgets in a Mini Cooper, the submitter blanked out the plates. Tsk tsk.

Imagine, if you will...God loses your legs in a game of Texas Hold 'Em and you're left hobbling around on two broom handles strapped to your pelvic bone. Sure, vaginal splinter suck, but the bright side is: you get the best parking spots available!

That is, until a rectal polyp such as this decides he'll park his Fag-Mobile in such a way as to infringe on your sweet ass parking stall. And since it's hard enough to drive with two broom handles crammed in your cha-cha, you're probably going to (a) hit this fucker or (b) park poorly; resulting in you falling flat on your face.

Sure, it'll look funny to the rest of us, but the fact remains, this son of a whore is the cause of your impending humiliation.

To you, Mr. Poor Excuse for a Driver: die in a fire. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Deck This Guy With Boughs Of Holly


Viewer submitted: by Santa, I think. While I appreciate the help, maybe you should have been tending to your elves. They totally botched my life sized replica blow up doll of Jenny McCarthy! Not one point of entry! What a waste!

It's the last Sunday before Christmas. You've been working double shifts and overtime so you can afford to get Little Johnny a new PS3, Baby Sue the complete set of Hannah Montana dolls and the wife a pair of crotchless panties that you'll secretly wear when she's out of town. You finally get a day off and head down to the jam packed mall.

But wait. What the FUCK is this?

Some cock knot has parked his hillbilly pussy wagon across TWO stalls! Because parking is SOOOOO plentiful during the Christmas rush. Yeah.

You cunt.

And how ironic is the bumper sticker? MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! I almost think that's meant as this gay-wad's vanity plate. Yeah, you suck pal! AND swallow! Just like Mommy!

So now you're left to circle the parking lot like you're driving the Indy 500 while this rat bastard son of a bitch wastes TWO spaces just so he can buy batteries for his vibrating butt plug.

Get a clue. It's Christmas, you waste of oxygen! Share the fucking lot! And Learn To Park, Jerk!