Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Original Jerk Quandary

Viewer submitted by the same person as the Insult To Injury post. You even used the flash. Ballsy. Me like. (Not balls...just the ballsy attitude...)

You have two, maybe three people in a row, all parked like Ray Charles was behind the wheel after a college kegger. Usually, most of these people have to park poorly because of the actions of one limp penis. In this photo, and by using the parking CSI skills that I obtained through mail order schooling, I'd have to say it's the hillbilly Chevy to the right who started the whole mess.

Listen Cletus...I'm sure there's a redneck bitch who is appreciative of the field plowing you're trying to give her. But it's apparent (by using those same CSI parking skills) that your penis hasn't moved since Hinckley shot Reagan and, even if it did, your scabbed up trailer park whore is probably looser than your prison stretched anus.

I'd like to suggest you run a hose from the tailpipe to the cab of your Crud Mobile and idle the vehicle for a few hours while you take a nap inside. See how that goes.

Alternately, you could just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Adding Insult To Injury

Viewer submitted. Fearing retribution from a dozen Hispanic midgets in a Mini Cooper, the submitter blanked out the plates. Tsk tsk.

Imagine, if you will...God loses your legs in a game of Texas Hold 'Em and you're left hobbling around on two broom handles strapped to your pelvic bone. Sure, vaginal splinter suck, but the bright side is: you get the best parking spots available!

That is, until a rectal polyp such as this decides he'll park his Fag-Mobile in such a way as to infringe on your sweet ass parking stall. And since it's hard enough to drive with two broom handles crammed in your cha-cha, you're probably going to (a) hit this fucker or (b) park poorly; resulting in you falling flat on your face.

Sure, it'll look funny to the rest of us, but the fact remains, this son of a whore is the cause of your impending humiliation.

To you, Mr. Poor Excuse for a Driver: die in a fire. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Deck This Guy With Boughs Of Holly

Viewer submitted: by Santa, I think. While I appreciate the help, maybe you should have been tending to your elves. They totally botched my life sized replica blow up doll of Jenny McCarthy! Not one point of entry! What a waste!

It's the last Sunday before Christmas. You've been working double shifts and overtime so you can afford to get Little Johnny a new PS3, Baby Sue the complete set of Hannah Montana dolls and the wife a pair of crotchless panties that you'll secretly wear when she's out of town. You finally get a day off and head down to the jam packed mall.

But wait. What the FUCK is this?

Some cock knot has parked his hillbilly pussy wagon across TWO stalls! Because parking is SOOOOO plentiful during the Christmas rush. Yeah.

You cunt.

And how ironic is the bumper sticker? MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! I almost think that's meant as this gay-wad's vanity plate. Yeah, you suck pal! AND swallow! Just like Mommy!

So now you're left to circle the parking lot like you're driving the Indy 500 while this rat bastard son of a bitch wastes TWO spaces just so he can buy batteries for his vibrating butt plug.

Get a clue. It's Christmas, you waste of oxygen! Share the fucking lot! And Learn To Park, Jerk!