Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Another First: A Bad Parking Comic

Reader submitted. Pretty much says it all. Normally, I don't publish stuff like this but it's actually topic appropriate. This is the world I'd like to someday live in. This or the world where women worship me like the Godly Parking Nerd I am! Either or.

Kudos to xkcd.com for this comic. Not always funny but, then, neither am I. Bah! Who asked you? Learn To Park, Jerk!

The Jerks Are Deep In The Heart Of Texas

Reader submitted. From a window. In a building. With a sniper rifle by their side. First JFK, now bad parkers.

Whoa whoa whoa! you may be saying to yourselves. Why is this guy posted here? He's clearly parked between the lines. You're getting out of control with your accusations, Parking Jerk!

Settle down, Gumby. Think about it. Look how the car is turned inwards. If you tried to park to the right of this shit stain, you'd stand to lose a layer of paint (if Mr. Ass Sniff tries to straighten out when he pulls out) or your rear fender (if he just pulls out the same way he pulled in). While you COULD use that spot, it's a risky move. This putz effectively ruined that spot for anyone not driving a SMART car or a rickshaw pulled by your Mom.

It's not just about crossing the line. It's about fucking up other parking spots for the normal folk out there. All three of us.

So...do Round Rock, Texas a favor and dry hump an electrical socket. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Crossing Over: Jerk Edition

Reader submitted. Ya stinkin' tattletale. Keep it up!

Why do people park like this? My theory is that most folks are dumber than fuck. And let's not forget inconsiderate. Punching a cripple in a wheelchair is one thing, but parking over the line is, well, over the line!

If Stevie Wonder had parked this car like this, I'd say he did one hell of a job! But I'd still post this picture. Since I doubt this was old Stevie's work, I gladly pass along this message:

Go fuck yourself with a large wooden dowel! Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Share and Share Alike, Butthole!

Reader submitted. Thanks for saving me a trip to N.C. Pffft. Like I can get across the border with this site on my record.

What makes this skid mark unique isn't how poorly he parks his vehicle. Or how gay it looks with a girl's bike hanging off the back. Just take a gander at the bumper sticker. What's that say?

Share the road?

SHARE THE ROAD? You can't share a fucking parking lot! You take up two spaces and you want people to share the road with you? Two words, jizz mop: (1) FUCK (2) YOU.

And just so you don't think someone put this bumper sticker there as a joke:

It's on the fucker's license plate too! Holy sweet FUCK almighty!

The next time someone edges your sorry, sweat soaked, saddle bag of an ass off the road when you're peddling your Schwinn to 31 Flavors , remember that Karma's a bitch and so is your Mom for raising a twat like you. Learn to share a fucking parking stall, cunt mist!

And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Sports Car - Gone Too Far

Reader submitted. Thanks for this spectacular find!

If you've been following the site for long, you know this is a common occurrence.

Man has mid life crisis.
Man buys fancy car to feel better.
Man lives life in constant paranoia that someone will touch car.
Man becomes even bigger asshole than he was before.

Taking up four spaces to protect your dick replacement. What a cockless douche!

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to raise money and buy a piece of shit beater of a car. And I'm going to park EXCEPTIONALLY close to people like this. And, if possible, block their driver side door with my P.O.S. Teach these fuckers a lesson!

Until then, keep your fucking car home if you're so god damned worried about it and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Disney Dickhead

Reader submitted from the Wonderful World Of Disney! Thanks Goofy!

Judging by the length of your vehicle, I'd have to guess you're a 79 year old, half dead fuck of a relic who's currently wearing shorts circa 1949 and black socks that have fallen around your ankles. Am I close? Hmmmmm???

Anyway, just because your tires are facing forward, DOESN'T mean you're parked straight. Back when you're penis worked, you must have been an awkward lay. Trying to get in that vag from an angle? Tsk. Tsk.

Your ex just called. She said Learn To Fuck, Jerk!

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Yessah, Mazda! I Parks REAL Good For Ya!

Reader submitted. Thanks for taking the time to be as big a jerk as me! Score!

Passenger vans. By themselves, they're fine. But add a soccer mom with three bastard children who scream, kick and whine until Mommy wipes their asses and takes them for a soft serve treat and you get the latest edition of 'Parking Like A Retard'.

Either you're preoccupied with your stretched out vagina muscles (hey, you've got to pay the rent. I get that!) or this piece of shit van is too much vehicle for you. Whatever the case, you really need a public ass kicking, a boiling lava enema AND some Kegel exercises.

On behalf of all the good drivers in Florida, smarten your ass up before someone does more than take a picture of your epic failures.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 14, 2009

A Night Vision Of Stupidity

Reader submitted. Very nice. Night vision photography. Now NO ONE is safe from the reach of obsessive compulsive nerds! Thanks for sharing the tech!

It's the same old story. Some cow fucker with a truck feels justified in taking up as much space as possible because "Ma truck is jus' so dang large. Man large."

Nope. Sorry. That's no excuse to screw up 4 stalls. This is the big city, dip shit. Parking is at a premium. Even late at night. Just like your wife's vagina.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dodging Common Sense

Reader submitted. Thanks for the catch! But remember: no one likes a tattle tale. Except us.

When Hillbilly Jed struck black gold on the land he was squatting on, he done ran out and got his self a darn purdy new horseless wagon. But when he went to the local incest swinger party at the neighborhood mall, he discovered he could see a man who looked just like him staring back at him from the shine on his carriage.

Afraid anything would happen to his new friend, Jed decided to protect him by taking up two parking stalls. Of course, it didn't hurt that the new man also had an underage daughter who looked a lot like his own. Why, if he weren't married to Little Brittany already, he'd totally marry the shiny new girl. Shucks. Poor Jed.

Look, fuck face. One vehicle = one spot. If you can't do math over there in Butt Fuck, Wyoming,
then you shouldn't have a license. Funny how you're able to budget out your welfare cheque to get enough moonshine to last you the month.

Either smarten the hell up, fall into a really deep cesspool or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 7, 2009

NWT = NitWiT?

Ah, the Northwest Territories. Canada's very own Siberia. A place where we send our most unwanted individuals. Except for Celine Dion, who bought her way back into the southern hemisphere.

Obviously, someone blew the right official and got a day pass to visit a province outside of their stinkin' Hell hole. Sadly, they thought their half-assed way of parking would fly here.

Well, it doesn't. So, kindly take your polar bear raping, Inuit molesting, seal fornicating ass back up north and keep it there before we re-introduce chlorofluorocarbons back into the atmosphere and kill you all with global warming a wee bit faster.

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

P.S. Tell Santa I said "Hey." If you haven't burned him for a night of heat, that is. Jackass.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Mini Van Parking Ban

Reader submitted. Thanks, but what the hell??? Did an epileptic monkey on a pogo stick take this shot? Slow it down to 50 the next time you try to grab a photo! Geez!

So, here we have a case of an inconsiderate mini van owner parking wherever she likes. It's not like she even tried to park between the lines. She turned the corner and just left her bucket of rust to take up two spots. Probably how she enters public bathroom stalls. One leg under the stall wall...her fat ass pressing against both walls...purse under the other stall wall...

More than likely, she parked like this because her kid was caught shoplifting condoms for her abusive husband so she wouldn't further populate the planet with more fuck nut bad parkers like herself. For that, she gets my gratitude. But for parking like such an asshole, she gets a heart felt:

"Learn To Park, Jerk!"

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

WE'RE BACK! Now look at this Fuck Wad!

Learn To Park, Jerk! is back in session after a MUCH needed break. We tried to focus less on the negative aspects of the world around us but...well...cock knockers like this keep fucking with our shit! So we threw our hands up in the air, dusted off the cameras and POW! We're back!

And what better way to kick things off with a license plate that pretty much spells JERK. And sprawled across two parking spaces too! It's like finding a pearl buried in a pile of monkey shit in the jungle.

So thanks, Mr. Inconsiderate Parker/Ass Hemorrhage. You've made 21st century news! Ya cunt!

Learn To Park, Jerk!