BMW - Be More Waspish?

Reader submitted. Thanks for the drive by shooting!

The classic "My Car Is Worth More Than Your Wife's Fake Jugs So I'll Park So No One Will Ding The Only Thing I Have Of Value In My Life Oh God I'm So Lonely".

What do we say to jerks like this, class? All together now!

IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR PRECIOUS VEHICLE, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!

Excellent everybody! And what else do we say to dried man juice stains like this?

LEARN TO PARK, JERK!

Beautiful!

Ain't That Grand AM!

Reader submitted. Learn To Park, Jerk! Ninjas are EVERYWHERE!!!

From the photo's owner him/herself!

"This jerk parked over two stalls so he could avoid door dings that would otherwise ruin the “pristine” exterior of his priceless Grand Am. It looks like he learned his lesson the hard way as someone squeezed in next to him and appears to have dinged his car with a sledgehammer."

It's hard to tell from this photo that the door is dinged. But isn't that the kind of justice you'd like to see? I'd also like to see the car's owner get their pubes stuck on a fresh strip of fly paper too! Official Learn To Park, Jerk! Flypaper, coming to a store near you!

Then they'd know a higher power had gotten them back! Until then, stop being a vagina-less douche and Learn To Park, Jerk!

POST #100

Reader submitted. Congrats on being the 100th post! You don't get anything but bragging rights but hey! If you're a social outcast who likes taking pictures of parked cars, that's probably pretty damn cool anyway!

When Grandma died and left you your inheritance, she left strict instructions to use the money to better your life. So what did you do?

You bought a Dodge Intrepid.

You didn't go back to school to get your GED.

You didn't do something about your messed up donkey teeth.

You didn't even look into getting your second testicle surgically descended.

Nope.

You bought a used sports car.

Maybe you should have bought a used 70's Volkswagen Beetle and used the rest of the money to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Crooked, Clueless But Not Odorless

Reader submitted! Thanks for the shot! But maybe next time, use a flash or whip out a lighter to shed a little light on the picture!

Had to brighten the picture to show what exactly the problem was here. Thanks to the power of modern technology and an overpriced version of Photoshop, we discover what evil lurks in the dark. A poorly parked Fuckimus Faceus!

Parked on an angle. Taking up two spaces. And probably has a dashboard covered in cigarette burns and boogers. Typical rural Albertan!

Lookee here, Zeke! Thanks for bringing your wheat money and tainted beef coinage into our bustling city to buy the latest plaid and flannel fashions. But if you want to be taken seriously, smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Too Damn Nosey!

Reader submitted! Thanks for snapping this from the safety of your Pope-mobile.

So what kind of person parks so far into a stall that the front of their vehicle penetrates the stall on the other side?

(1) Child molesters
(2) Lepers
(3) Gang Rapists
(4) STD Carriers
(5) Fucking Idiots

Do you also park your vehicle with the front of it smashed through the back of your garage? No? Then you must have some concept of where the front of your vehicle is. Take a moment and back up next time. Something your Daddy should have done before laying down with your Momma!

Smarten up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Like Night and Day

Reader submitted. Thanks for fighting fire with ire! That's right. Ire! I'm more than just a pretty face, you know!

These were taken at a reader's residential complex. Proof that people park like assholes at home too.

People can make citizen arrests. I think they should make a car boot that anyone could buy at Walmart so people could make citizen tow aways! Boot some jerk ass like this and call up a towing company to haul it away. Maybe that'll be my next step. Invent the Everyday Boot Up Your Ass!

Until that time, stay in your own fucking stall, jerk ass! Stay off the handicap parking! And Learn To Park, Jerk!

And Now Something Completely Different

Reader submitted. And with a new parking issue we haven't covered before. Way to be a parking lot pioneer!

I know what you're thinking. What's the problem with this picture? Yeah, the stalls are a tad small and it might be hard getting in and out of your vehicle. But what gives?

I have to admit, I didn't get the problem at first. Maybe this next picture will help.


Do you see it? No? Yeah, I didn't either. Until I re-read their e-mail to me.

"I took my Daughter to Superstore South Common today to see if we could get some Halloween treats. So I parked fairly far from the door to avoid being parked to close to. No one was around me at that time.
When we came out about 45 min later, surprise surprise... there were two people parked right by me...Why do people insist on parking right next to a car when there are at least 20 other vacant spots!?!"

You know what? You're right. This has happened to me too. And not just in parking lots but at the movies too! I'll pick some out of the way seat at the theatre yet no matter where I sit, some lard ass ALWAYS plops down in front of me. And we're not talking crowded theatres here. I'm talking about the discount ones where maybe 10 people are there at any given time. What the fuck?

So, while this isn't as bad as taking up two spaces, it's still a mystery. Why do people feel the need to park near other vehicles? Get a set of balls and park away from the herd, morons!

So, to anyone who feels they just MUST park near another vehicle even though the lot is empty, I say: Get over your OCD and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Gray, Gay, And From Far Away

Reader submitted. Thanks for NARCing!

Once upon a time Farmer Zeke was cruising the streets of Saskatoon for a little underage poontang when he gets a text message from his 12 year old Yahoo Messenger pal who goes by the name of YngBoi_4_oldr.

Not one to pass up father/son sex play, he rushes off to Edmonton to give some lucky lad a size 5 poop chute. When he arrives, he realizes he'll need "protection" as his wife warned him to stop coming home smelling like twink ass and semen.

So maybe this picture is of Zeke's truck. Who's to say? If it is, it's a great memento of a happier time...before syphilis claimed his left nut and left the other one to die of loneliness.

Point is, this guy is parked like a socially retarded howler monkey tripping on a gram of prime California peyote.

My advice? Lay off the drugs. Lay off the pre-teen boy ass. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Escalade Escapade

Reader submitted. Who doesn't love other people doing your work? Thank you!!!

Whenever I see an Escalade, I expect to see it full of rapper wannabes "rolling 4 deep", popping "caps" in "asses". But according to the person who took this picture, it's owner (or the person who jacked it) is a fat balding white guy. So, in other words, a rapper manager wannabe.

And you know what? That describes pretty much all the folks who park like idiots in Alberta. Fat, lazy, corn fed human pigs that are too lazy to park like a normal person.

But I digress. Slant parking across two stalls makes you Dumb Fuck Of The Day! And now your fat ass family can finally be proud of you and your Pimp-Mobile! Score!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Crossing The Line

Reader submitted. Thanks for whipping ass anonymously!

Sometimes when you park, it's hard to tell where exactly the front of your car falls. Sure, it's still annoying to see another car with the tip of their nose in your parking area but this? This is a sure sign that we have to curb all the inbreeding that takes place in Alberta.

Only some deformed, half blind, hillbilly baby with crooked teeth and a lisp could possibly be so stupid as to park like this. When tires start crossing the front of your parking stall, you know you're special. And that's why we have specific schools and buses dedicated to your type.

So get a new helmet. Sell your car to someone deserving. Hop on the train to Special Town and let the drooling begin.

Or just Learn To Park, Jerk!