Friday, July 16, 2010

Driving Force A Foot Up Your Ass

You've got to love the freedom that comes with a rental vehicle. You never have to care about it as though it were your own because...well, it's NOT !

It's the same freedom they get when they swap sisters at their weekly family reunion/swinger's get together. They'll always push the swapped sister farther because 'she ain't my property since I dun lost 'er in a game of homersexual Slap Ass.'

Good luck with your three headed webbed toed babies and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Optima Prime Asshole

Viewer submitted. You crafty parking lot ninja, you!

Just like our previous post, here we have someone who parks outside the assigned parking stall area.

Perhaps they think those yellow lines are made of rubber and affords more traction should the parkade fall victim to an earthquake.

Or, perhaps, they feel the rules of society don't apply to them. So, they'll park on the yellow lines, shit on public toilet seats and drop the "N" bomb in casual conversation even though they're obviously white trash.

Or it could just quite possibly be...and this is a stretch...that this person is just a God Damn Fucking Asshole.

You know...that last one just feels right.

Hey, God Damn Fucking Asshole?

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Porsche - German for Asswipe

Viewer submitted. Thanks for stalking men in fancy cars! It's already paying off!

Learn To Park, Jerk! presents a classic story:

Meet Boy.

Boy likes other boys.

Boy lives in uptight small community where the only homo is the town clergy.

Boy blows town clergy.

Boy becomes Man and later sues town clergy for molestation.

Man becomes rich.

Man buys welfare version of Porsche Carrera and moves to Big Gay City.

Man gets blown then killed by local fuckhead and has Porsche stolen.

Local fuckhead parks like the cocksucker he is and gets photographed.

Local photographer becomes featured on popular website.

No one blows owner of Learn To Park, Jerk!


The moral of the story?


Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 25, 2010


Viewer submitted WITH an explanation. Since this makes MY job that much easier, I'll just copy and paste it down below in the same italics as this. Being a lazy prick has never been easier!

"This asshole parks at our office and was there all day, might I mention our parking lot is quite full and so there are no extra spaces unless you want to go park in the paved lot way out back.

I left one of these on his windshield."

While we don't encourage vandalism on this site, we also aren't your Daddy. Do whatever the fuck you want.

As for this dipshit of a parker, he obviously backed into the spot. It's surprising how bad his aim is since he seems like the kind of guy who backs onto men's cocks on a regular basis. I guess if his sphincter isn't at risk, the motivation just isn't there.

So either install an asshole on the back of your car (should be easy since an asshole is DRIVING the damn thing) or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Drive Your Chevy To The Levy...

...and park like a retard over there instead of here, you retarded fuck muffin!

Any clue what those yellow lines are? They aren't the same as the one in your underwear, Skid Mark. These are to position your vehicle between properly so others may park around you.

A shame you feel the rules don't apply to you, or the rules of proper personal hygiene.

Learn To Wipe Your Ass ANNNNND Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Oh, What A Feeling!

Oh yeah! It must feel REAL good parking half assed like this; ruining two parking spot with your cross eyed parking skills. You probably also get your jollies from kicking puppies down a football field and from finger banging unconscious senior citizens in the anus.

You're a disease and this website is the cure.

Well, maybe not the cure. More like a different disease fighting for territory. Like an epic battle between herpes and Hepatitis C. Both of which are better than you.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This Ain't Your Daddy's Parking Job...Oh Wait...

What happens when Grandpa shotguns a liter of prune juice to wash down half a dozen bran muffins for breakfast? He comes within a millimeter of shitting his pants in his car. So can we blame him for abandoning his Coot Cruiser so poorly as he dashes for the nearest bathroom?

You bet we can!

Kiegel your sphincter. Ease up on the colon blasting diet. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Dirty Jeepskate

Let's make a list of reasons why someone would park like this:

1. Their windshield was too dirty and they couldn't see the lines.

2. They're a result of inbreeding and their Cyclops-like eye couldn't focus properly.

3. It was a woman driver.

No, as feasible as they all sound, it all comes down to what's known as Occum's Razor, which states 'The simplest solution tends to be the correct one."

The person is a fucking idiot, plain and simple.

Kindly get yourself a sulfuric acid enema and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Little Red Corvette

Reader submitted. I'm sure petty jealousy had nothing to do with the whole "I'm telling on you!" process.

Well, here's yet another classic case of "New Car/Park Gay/Feel Secure" syndrome. In reality, it's actually "Small Dick/Loose Vagina/Fuck Off And Die".

There's two solutions for this:

(1) If you don't want your overpriced libido replacement harmed, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME, CUNT NUGGET!

(2) Donate to Learn To Park, Jerk! so we can buy a piece of shit beater to park diagonally NEXT to douche bags like this! Imagine how pissed they'll be when they come back to their vehicle and see a rusty 1986 Chevette parked next to their $50,000 small dick magnifier!

So, Corvette owner, beware! Your days are now numbered! Sell your Fag-Mobile or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, May 10, 2010


Things Alberta Gets From Saskatchewan That They Don't Need:

(1) Loose women that taste like corn

(2) Drunk Prairie dwellers who smell like corn

(3) Mentally retarded parking lot ass hats who are dumber than corn

Why would you park like such a moron? It can't be because you're afraid of someone damaging your precious baby. Let's face it; your van looks like it was scraped from inside the anus of God himself! And if it's a disability thing, you would have used the handicap parking found all over Edmonton; home to many an oilfield cripple.

No, you parked like this because you're, straight up, a fucking asshole.

Kindly take a long drive off a short pier and, while you're re-evaluating your life underwater, Learn To Park, Jerk!