Friday, August 29, 2008

Mustang Sally Dilly Dally!

Reader submitted! Not sure where you're from or any details about this pic. You truly are a parking lot ninja!

I would like to assume that this pecker head is handicapped in some way at the very least. Because if not, they're the Tri-fecta of Asshole-dom!

(1) Strike one would be not being handicapped but parking in their spaces.

(2) Strike two would be taking up TWO handicap spaces! That alone warrants anal rape with a cactus!

(3) Strike three would be driving a Silver Mustang. What? Are you trying to be the Lone Ranger? Do you wear a raccoon mask and boss Native Americans around too? I'll bet you do! Douche!

No matter the situation, you're parked like a Royal Cocksucker!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sierra Missed It By That Much

Say, hillbilly! That's a mighty fine truck you have. And *sniff* *sniff*. Is that Eau de Daughter's Vagina on your upper lip? Wow. It's soooooo you!

I can't help but notice you parked on an angle, thereby taking up 2 parking spaces.

What's that? You don't know what "thereby" means? Oh. And I'm using too many big words?

Well, let me sum it all up for you so you can head back to the canola fields and sodomize your nephews Huey, Dewey and Lewey.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

3 from B.C. Part 3

Reader submitted from B.C. No commentary from him as he felt it's pretty self explanatory. Won't stop me from sounding off though!

Backing up a vehicle into a parking spot takes a bit of skill. And it should have been one of the first things you learn when driving a car. Apparently THIS driver got his license from a box of Cracker Jacks and never had to learn how to do things properly.

It's probably why his wife gets "orally administered" to by a 17 year old box boy from the local Safeway. It's a fact. Can't back up a car? Then you can't eat box correctly.

True story.

So do your wife a favor, pencil dick, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

3 from B.C. Part 2

Part two of a reader submission from British Columbia. He even supplied the italicized commentary. He's the Swiss Army Knife of online submissions!

B.C. guy says: This dumbass, as you can see, is parked on a side strip (on the opposite side of the same parking lot as the previous pic). What is fascinating is this was taken about an hour after I saw her pull into the spot, right behind a truck, nearly touching it's bumper in the process. There is no parking space behind her, so technically she could park further back over the yellow line a bit, but she leaves enough room back there for a Smart car to fit in! I was in a rush during the first sighting, otherwise I would have caught video!

Having your nose or rear extended over a parking line is bad enough, but front tires too? That qualifies you for Gunt Of The Year! Why? Because you're obviously used to having excess baggage hanging over the front of everything you do.

But what am I thinking? Let me translate that for you into your native tongue:


Two tidbits of advice: (1) smarten the fuck up! and (2) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, August 25, 2008

3 from B.C. Part 1

Reader submitted from British Columbia. He even supplied his own commentary. Pretty soon, you guys will want to post directly to the site and cut me out completely. You ungrateful bastards!

B.C. guy says: This guy left only a few inches on either side of him. He's parked closer to the white car than is apparent. I was about to take another shot from the backside, but somebody (owner?) came strolling toward the vehicle by that point. Good thing he didn't see me!

Good thing indeed. This reader is a level 10 ninja master with a hair trigger temper. I pity the poor bastard who tries to stop him from taking pictures of bad parkers or honey bees. Ker-POW!

To the owner of the metallic diarrhea brown truck above: get a clue, queef. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Save On More Parking Whore

Reader submitted. Taken from your vehicle, I see. Smart move. Keeps the risk of an ass kicking to a minimum.

Let's see here. You have a piece of shit truck worth...what? 50 bucks in scrap metal? You obviously weren't parking so no one would ding your doors. If anything, people wouldn't want to park next to you anyways, just in case the twist ties holding your antique chariot gave way.

You may just be blind judging from the mismatched parts on your crud mobile. But even a blind person would try and pull in straight to escape notice.

No, you're just a bag of wet monkey shit who thinks he's owed the world just because you had to repeat the 1st grade 6 times. It's probably all that time spent around kids that made you the pedophile corn holing fuck nut you are today.

Do the world a favor now that it's given YOU so much. Either deep throat the barrel of a shotgun and inhale deeply or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

More Crooked Than A Politician

Just because your woman to say this nicely...rotund (for the layman, that means you've got a fat bitch) and you have to enter her sideways in order for her to feel anything at all DOESN'T mean you should do the same thing with a parking stall.

For one, it's probably not as wide as your woman's poonany.

Secondly, it publicly shows just how stupid you are; making you a target for scammers, high interest credit card companies and good old fashion ass whuppings!

My professional recommendation? Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I'd Shoot Lincoln Too!

How ironic that this vehicle is a "Navigator". Looks like this guy couldn't maneuver his way out of his boyfriend's ass with a jar of lube and a shoe horn.

I mean, come on! How much skill do you need to park your vehicle BETWEEN the lines? Look at the other cars around you. They seemed to be able to do it. Why couldn't you? Did centuries of your family's inbreeding finally wipe out all semblance of intelligence? Can you not work the steering wheel effectively with your flippers? Did you think your cruise control was some sort of auto pilot that would park your car?

Listen, Jethro. When you're visiting our province, do yourself and everyone else a favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Come On Now!

Short and sweet:

It's folks like this that give the kids on the short school bus a bad name.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Corporate Shenanigans

First off, let me tell you one brand of water I shan't be soaking my sweaty testicles in: Glaceau Vitamin Water. And it's all because their demo staff haven't got a clue about how to park their trailer.

Granted, it's a tricky situation. And, more than likely, I'd post their picture no matter how they parked because I guarantee they still be violating some unwritten parking lot rule. But sticking your ass end out well beyond the limit of your parking stall? Idiocy!

My suggestion to Mr. Fancy Hose Water Man? Learn To Park, Jerk!

By the way, if you're a fancy water company that knows how to park and wants the honor of being the official Ball Soaking Liquid of Learn To Park, Jerk, feel free to contact me via the e-mail address at the bottom of this page. We're always willing to give free advertising in exchange for keeping our boys cool!

Friday, August 15, 2008

IKEA - Swedish for "Parks Like A Jackass"

Reader submitted. Even the title was supplied. My life just keeps getting easier and easier!

Hey jerk off! Put THIS together: what happens when you take up four parking spaces at a busy shopping complex in 2008?

Answer: Thanks to modern technology, you get your picture taken and posted online for the whole world to see within 24 hours. And thanks to karma and "wishful thinking" by some of our more vengeful readers, you'll probably be anally raped with a porcupine dildo by the end of the weekend.

So, on behalf of everyone who had to park even further from IKEA thanks to you, a mighty FUCK YOU and a Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, August 14, 2008


Reader submitted. Thanks for helping flip the virtual bird to bad parkers!

You're at work hauling equipment to the next job site when RING RING!!! It's the wife calling. She feels bloated, the dog's driving her crazy and she's only got enough feminine products to last until supper. You know that if you don't haul ass to the nearest drug store and pick up a 24 pack of O.B's, a four pack of paper towels and a pint of Cherry Garcia, you're ass is sleeping in the garage until the second coming of Jesus.

So you pull into the nearest parking lot and damn near abandon your vehicle in any old fashion to get what your water retaining Queen is asking for. And who would possibly care that you take up 6 or 7 parking spots in the process?

Well, I guess now we know. So, while I'm glad you kept your wife from turning your white suede sofa into a biological copy of the Canadian flag, you pissed off enough people to get you featured on the site.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Stuck In The Middle With Screw You!

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting more humps than an Arab with a smooth stick and a fleet of camels!!!

It's becoming an age old story. Boy meets car. Boy loves car. Boy buys car. Boy tries to park car but retard with a truck is crowding the last parking spot in the lot. So Boy gets key and gouges the hell out of Forrest Gump-mobile and initiates a Chicken Blood Voodoo Curse.

Happens every day. For real.

We need a parking lot vigilante. Someone to wear tights, a cape and a mask who will pee on hoods and take a taco induced dump in the back of trucks. And, if time permits, leave a well worded note telling them to smarten the fuck up.

Until then, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Pair of Dorks Part 2

Reader submitted. And what a doozy!

Here we have a local business representative with his name plastered all over his van. Parking like a jack ass in your vehicle is somewhat anonymous. But parking like a Mongoloid Mutant Wiener Sniffer in a vehicle that readily identifies you is just plain stupid.

What the hell were you thinking? Are you this stupid when it comes to your trade? Do I dare turn on a light after you've fiddled around with it? Plainly, you lack common sense, proper etiquette and underarm deodorant (just a guess on that last point).

Long story short, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Pair of Dorks Part 1

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting these jack holes!

My, oh my! Two bad parkers side by side. Today, we'll focus on the car and leave the van for tomorrow. Why overload on the fun and leave ourselves spent? If I wanted to do that, I'd rub one out before my morning coffee.

I just don't understand why people can't park properly between the lines. I mean, they're bright yellow. They're universal. It's not like it's a new system the world has implemented and it's taking awhile to catch on. It's a fucking parking lot!

Just throwing out a theory here: Bad parkers make bad lovers.

For the guys who can't seem to settle in between the lines, I picture you blindly stabbing your pork sword forward against some poor woman's (or guys) inner legs for hours, trying to get it in.

And the ladies who park like crap? I picture more than one of you with an eye patch; having had your ocular socket skewered by throbbing man meat when you couldn't line yourself up for a proper BJ.

Am I wrong? Am I right? Who gives a shit! You're a fucking idiot! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Saskatchewanna Park Like That For?

The three most common lies in Western Canada are:

(1) I left my wallet in my other pants.

(2) I'll call you right back.

(3) I'll only stick it in a little ways.

Well, this parking space rapist has stuck it in a little ways and, let me tell you, it doesn't feel very good. Maybe this sort of thing flies in Saskatchewan when you aren't busy "husking the corn cob" but here in Alberta, well, we do the same damn thing. But we do it without all the produce up our asses.

Nevertheless, you've been busted. So smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Pick Up And Get On Your Own Damn Side

So, what are you thinking when you see a patch of empty parking spaces, jack ass? Do you think "Wow, I must be the only person in the city shopping today. And since no one else will be using any of these luxurious parking spaces, I'm going to take as many as I can! I'm King of the Fucking World!"?

I'll bet you're also the kind of person who always "Takes A Penny" because they're free, samples/steals candy from the bulk bins at the grocery store and uses your room mates socks to clean up your "solo love life spill overs".

Stop being such a waste of oxygen and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, August 1, 2008

4 Wheels Goooooood, 6 Wheels Baaaaaaaad

"My truck has an extra wide wheel base and yellow flashy lights over top. Obviously, I'm the next best thing to Jesus Christ and flavored condoms, so I think I'll just park like a dick smack and take up AT LEAST three spaces with my uber sweet truck. Suck it!"

On behalf of everyone who finds this even a fraction as annoying as I do, fuck you. Fuck your truck. And fuck your lack of common decency.

And Learn To Park, Jerk!