Friday, October 31, 2008

Like Night and Day

Reader submitted. Thanks for fighting fire with ire! That's right. Ire! I'm more than just a pretty face, you know!

These were taken at a reader's residential complex. Proof that people park like assholes at home too.

People can make citizen arrests. I think they should make a car boot that anyone could buy at Walmart so people could make citizen tow aways! Boot some jerk ass like this and call up a towing company to haul it away. Maybe that'll be my next step. Invent the Everyday Boot Up Your Ass!

Until that time, stay in your own fucking stall, jerk ass! Stay off the handicap parking! And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

And Now Something Completely Different

Reader submitted. And with a new parking issue we haven't covered before. Way to be a parking lot pioneer!

I know what you're thinking. What's the problem with this picture? Yeah, the stalls are a tad small and it might be hard getting in and out of your vehicle. But what gives?

I have to admit, I didn't get the problem at first. Maybe this next picture will help.

Do you see it? No? Yeah, I didn't either. Until I re-read their e-mail to me.

"I took my Daughter to Superstore South Common today to see if we could get some Halloween treats. So I parked fairly far from the door to avoid being parked to close to. No one was around me at that time.
When we came out about 45 min later, surprise surprise... there were two people parked right by me...Why do people insist on parking right next to a car when there are at least 20 other vacant spots!?!"

You know what? You're right. This has happened to me too. And not just in parking lots but at the movies too! I'll pick some out of the way seat at the theatre yet no matter where I sit, some lard ass ALWAYS plops down in front of me. And we're not talking crowded theatres here. I'm talking about the discount ones where maybe 10 people are there at any given time. What the fuck?

So, while this isn't as bad as taking up two spaces, it's still a mystery. Why do people feel the need to park near other vehicles? Get a set of balls and park away from the herd, morons!

So, to anyone who feels they just MUST park near another vehicle even though the lot is empty, I say: Get over your OCD and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Gray, Gay, And From Far Away

Reader submitted. Thanks for NARCing!

Once upon a time Farmer Zeke was cruising the streets of Saskatoon for a little underage poontang when he gets a text message from his 12 year old Yahoo Messenger pal who goes by the name of YngBoi_4_oldr.

Not one to pass up father/son sex play, he rushes off to Edmonton to give some lucky lad a size 5 poop chute. When he arrives, he realizes he'll need "protection" as his wife warned him to stop coming home smelling like twink ass and semen.

So maybe this picture is of Zeke's truck. Who's to say? If it is, it's a great memento of a happier time...before syphilis claimed his left nut and left the other one to die of loneliness.

Point is, this guy is parked like a socially retarded howler monkey tripping on a gram of prime California peyote.

My advice? Lay off the drugs. Lay off the pre-teen boy ass. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Escalade Escapade

Reader submitted. Who doesn't love other people doing your work? Thank you!!!

Whenever I see an Escalade, I expect to see it full of rapper wannabes "rolling 4 deep", popping "caps" in "asses". But according to the person who took this picture, it's owner (or the person who jacked it) is a fat balding white guy. So, in other words, a rapper manager wannabe.

And you know what? That describes pretty much all the folks who park like idiots in Alberta. Fat, lazy, corn fed human pigs that are too lazy to park like a normal person.

But I digress. Slant parking across two stalls makes you Dumb Fuck Of The Day! And now your fat ass family can finally be proud of you and your Pimp-Mobile! Score!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Crossing The Line

Reader submitted. Thanks for whipping ass anonymously!

Sometimes when you park, it's hard to tell where exactly the front of your car falls. Sure, it's still annoying to see another car with the tip of their nose in your parking area but this? This is a sure sign that we have to curb all the inbreeding that takes place in Alberta.

Only some deformed, half blind, hillbilly baby with crooked teeth and a lisp could possibly be so stupid as to park like this. When tires start crossing the front of your parking stall, you know you're special. And that's why we have specific schools and buses dedicated to your type.

So get a new helmet. Sell your car to someone deserving. Hop on the train to Special Town and let the drooling begin.

Or just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Ode To A Dodge Ram Owner

You're a dumb old coot
With a big red truck
You can't park like that
Come on. What the fuck?

Who the Hell are you
To park like a prick?
You take up two spots
'Cause you have no dick.

So, to you? A wish
That I hope will work
Stop being an ass
And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Silverado Bravado?

Reader submitted. Thanks for being able to point and click a camera!

It's hard to tell but this looks like a Silverado. For all the parked vehicles I chase, I've not become a "car scientist" so I can't pick one from the other out from a crowd. It's what's kept me from joining the Police force or the local car thieves guild.

Whatever it is, it's parked poorly. Encroaching on the right hand parking space. A crying shame. Not only because it's a waste of a space but because it's sad to see so many stupid people all on one planet.

To myself, I say Learn Your Friggin' Vehicles, Moron!

To him, I say Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Horrible Cycle

Reader submitted. Thanks for being a photographic bad ass!

Say, Mr. Motorcycle Rider, do you need a Motor Vehicle license to operate that thing?

You do?

And do you need insurance to drive that hunk of pasted together plastic?


Wow. So that means you're driving a motor vehicle. Then what makes you so special that you don't have to use the parking lot?

Oh! Because your child sized bike fits on the sidewalk. I see.

Listen up, asshole. A SMART car also fits on the sidewalk. Should they get to park there too?

Park in a parking stall like everyone else, you pompous douche!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Superstore Parking Whore

If you missed the last post that talked about the child molester's rusty white van, here's a second chance to see it off to the right. While he's still a douche, the truck further ahead of him is a bona fide ass lick.

Like his wife, his truck is double wide. And so he thinks he can take double the parking spaces. While I'm sure it's just to keep his lard filled wife from denting the doors of nearby vehicles should she slip out of the cab of the truck and cause a 2.9 earthquake, the fact remains that he's taking up two spaces like a chubby chasing dick smack!

Get your over inflated spouse on a low carb diet and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Suck It, Rust Bucket!

The infamous white van. Ride of choice for child abductors and animal molesters. And it looks like this bad boy has been around the block, no pun intended.

If you're going to be touching children inappropriately and buggering small dogs, you should really stop drawing attention to yourself by parking like a retard.

Do your profession/lifestyle a favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Reader submitted. Thanks for being the Batman of handicapped parking spaces!

What do you get when you mix a fancy schmancy sports car with handicap parking? Either a gimpy guy with a good lawyer or some dick smack who deserves an old fashioned stoning.

Even if this person is crippled beyond belief and has to use two midgets to operate the gas and brake pedals, what is up with this park job? Did we start giving the blind licenses? What's next? Giving pedophiles daycare jobs?

Get a clue, ass munch. Stop being such a drain on humanity and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Move Your Van, Man!

Reader submitted! Thanks for catching one of Edmonton's dumbest at their best!

Why is the world's economy starting to crumble? Because of people like this. People who only think of themselves.

"Ooooooo, I'd better take up two parking spaces before the lot starts to fill up. This way, my rental van will be returned to the welfare depot in pristine condition. I just wish I knew how to get my family's cat urine stench out of the upholstery."

Wake up, ass twin. You aren't the only person who uses a parking lot. You ARE the only person to marry your daughter after she's given birth to your grandchild, though. Guess you have SOMETHING going for you!

Learn To Park, Jerk!