Thursday, July 31, 2008

Gimmie Room, Zoom Zoom

So...what the hell's going on here? What would make a person pull into a spot like this? And why do they think it's OK to park over the line into someone else's parking spot?

Was your mother raped by a retarded monkey and you're the distilled DNA left over from a botched abortion? Did your deadbeat father juggle you, a ball-peen hammer and a bowling ball, only to drop you on your head as a child? Are you just this fucking stupid?

I dream of the day that the lines on parking spaces emit a laser from them and sheer off anything parked over them like this.

Until that day, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sawmill Butt

Reader submitted. Thanks for the contribution and blatantly free advertising of the Sawmill!

Look, buddy. I know it's rare to find a parking spot in front of your favorite restaurant that isn't reserved for the handicapped (those lucky SOB's). But did you have to park over the line into the handicap parking space? Was it a race to get that spot in the first place? Was it a social commentary? Are you just that stupid?

Might I suggest you (A) have a little consideration for someone other than yourself for once in your life and (B) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Right Before Your Eyes...

Reader submitted! Thanks for pointing out the douche bag of all douche bags!

What you're seeing is the result of a mid-life crisis. This "penis-on-wheels" is the reason this website was made.

Some aging old fart who never thought to try Enzyte or Viagra decides to buy an overpriced sports car to try and recapture his youth. In doing so, his brain regresses to an infantile state and thinks it's OK to park on a slant so no one will touch his precious baby.

What do we say to fuck faces like this?


And what else do we say?


Monday, July 21, 2008

Short Bus Ain't Short Enough!

Don't get me wrong. I'm all in favor of the DATS bus! Just the fact that these guys and gals are out there helping the disabled live a normal life makes them OK in my book. However...

Did you have to park in four parking spaces in the middle of a fairly busy parking lot? I'm sorry, but buses, big rigs and anything over sized should be parking on the outskirts. While I'm sure you were just running in and out of a local business, you potentially ruined the day for three other folks looking to park close to wherever they were doing business.

So, as much as it pains me to say this, I think you should Learn To Park, Jerk!

Other than that, keep up the great work! I do appreciate what you do!

Except the whole parking thing this time. That wasn't cool.

(You know, you could definitely get away with parking in the handicap spaces. Just an FYI for you.)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Lincoln: Ass Kisser Extraordinaire

Now here's a real son of a bitch. Not only does he park forward over the line but he's pressed against the rear bumper of the car in front of him. And there's no way he didn't know he hit the car in front of him.

It's people like this that deserve to have their car vandalized. They obviously have no respect for anyone else's property.

My guess is that this is a little old lady who could barely see over the steering wheel and relies on feeling the BUMP to let her know when to take her foot off the gas.

Whatever the case, you need to be taken off the road NOW! And you also need to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Nova Scotia Faux Pas

Reader submitted from Nova Scotia. Thanks for taking time away from fishing/processing lumber/making bootleg Screech (and taking jobs away from Newfoundlanders) to lend a hand!

Hoo boy. A real controversial shot here. What we have is a Police car parked across a handicap parking space.

"Well, the Police can park anywhere they want. Maybe they were responding to an emergency. MAYBE THEY WERE SAVING SOMEONE'S LIFE!"

Fair enough. And I agree. I personally have no problem with haphazard parking while the Boys in Blue are on the job. But look at this from a handicapped person's standpoint.

Here they are, struggling to get where they're going in their specially adapted vehicle, using a broom handle to power the gas pedal while trying to steer with their one free hook. They finally get to their destination only to find a Police cruiser taking up the ONE space intended to make their life just a tad more bearable.

So, tell me, would YOU care why the Police were parked like that? Probably not. You'd be shaking that broomstick out the driver side window and cursing like a Tourettes Syndrome sufferer on a sugar high!

So, as a fair compromise, I won't label this with my trademark phrase and call these guys jerks. But I stand by busting them on this.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Douchebagus Familiarus

What the hell is going on here? What kind of cow ass rimming pickle fucker parks their car across 5 spaces? He even sat in his vehicle for a long time admiring his work.

"Oh yeah. I'm the biggest douche bag in all of Edmonton. Maybe even in all of Alberta. Next time I'll wear my wife's panties and celebrate my douchiness with two hands."

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Happy 50th Posting, Jerk!

That's right! We've made it to 50 posts. We've busted 50 people so far that have no clue how to park a vehicle! And what does that mean in the grand scheme of things?

Not a whole hell of a lot, sir. No a whole hell of a lot. We haven't even scratched the surface of stupidity in Edmonton, let alone the whole world! So let's just get back to it, shall we?

Why do trucks owners have such a hard time parking? I've owned a truck. I had no trouble parking it. I'm far from a model driver but if I can do it, pretty much anyone can. So, really, the blame lies on the parents of the offensive parker.

That's right. Their parents. They obviously didn't instill any civility into their illegitimate hell spawn and teach them to be aware of other people around them. Why, it wouldn't surprise me to find out a large portion of these bad parkers are, in reality, child molesters, rapists and lawyers.

So, you line hugging bastard child of a vaginal discharge gone horribly wrong, do what your Momma should have done years ago and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, July 14, 2008

From Beautiful Wainwright

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting a bad parking chowder head! Alberta is now 0.001% a better place!

As the Bad Parking Virus spreads across Alberta, we're taken to the town of Wainwright, home to one of Canada's many military bases located in the middle of Butt Screw Nowhere. (I heard they were going to put one in Rita McNeil's vagina but initial surveyors never returned from the abyss.)

Anyway, along comes some fancy pants from Saskatchewan and starts drawing attention to the town by parking like a complete piece of used ass wipe. If it hadn't gone out of style years ago, I'd say this guy would be a prime candidate for tar and feathering. At the very least, a trimming of his mullet and a punch in the crotch by a 7 year old with Elephantiasis of the fist.

Welcome to Alberta! Now Learn To Park, Jerk!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Big Rig Frig

This one is a touchy subject.

Yes, big rig cabs are large. And yes, they're going to take up more than one spot.

But look.

When you're looking to kill a few hours in town by having adolescent teens give you hand jobs in the sleeper of your truck, try to park so you're not so noticeable. Try parking on the edge of the parking lot, not in the middle. And maybe don't take up 8 spaces while you're at it.

I know that's probably part of the thrill: a 14 year olds thumb up your ass AND hogging more than your fair share of parking spaces. But come on now!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Excuse Me, Ma'am, But You've Got BACK!

Reader submitted! Thanks for joining the Parking Lot Nazi Party! (No offense if you're Jewish or a distant relative of Ava Braun. We aren't really Nazis. We feel all races are equally stupid when it comes to bad parking, highway driving and bartering with escorts.)

I'll bet the people who park like this popcorn fart also used to go out on Hallowe'en with a Unicef box, scam the neighbors for loose change then kept it for themselves. I mean hey! The opportunity was there so why not take it, right?

Same goes for parking lots. Hey, no one was using those two spaces, so why not take them both with one vehicle?

Ya jackass.

So, Mr. or Mrs. Alleged Unicef scam artist...Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Duty!

Ooooo, everyone bow down to Super Duty!

Super Duty deserves to park like a complete asshole. He burns gas at twice the rate of most vehicles. He's able to transport illegal Mexican workers up north in a U-Haul trailer in groups of 100. And the mighty Super Duty just looks so cool cruising the east end of Edmonton in search of underage poontang.

So when you see Super Duty on the streets or taking up all the parking spaces, avert your eyes. You just aren't worthy!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Wide Ride!

Reader submitted. Thanks for helping make the world...well...the same place it already is. But now with one more picture of it!

So you like to load up the old truck with your portly kin folk and head on out to the big city to spend some of that hard earned recycling money. Good for you.

And since your family is slightly large around the mid section, it makes sense you bought a vehicle that can take the sort of punishment daily that driving the obese causes.

But uh-oh! It doesn't seem to fit inside the lines of a regular parking space. Or at least you can't seem to make it fit inside the lines. But that's OK. You couldn't color inside the lines in kindergarten either. And when you dropped out in grade 7 because you just couldn't figure out how to keep all that loose leaf inside your 3 ring binder, well, that was OK too!

Because look at you now! You're a parking lot jerk!

And the world said you would never amount to anything. HA!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Whatcha Doin' There, Scooter?

A lot of folks won't see anything wrong with this. It's a scooter parked in the spot beneath a stairwell in a parking garage.

Now, scooters are a licensed motor vehicle. They're registered with the DMV and have to obey the same rules of the road as grown up vehicles. The same is true for parking lots. Just because something CAN fit into an area doesn't mean it SHOULD go in there. If that line of thinking were true, there'd be a LOT more anal sex happening in the world today (except where prohibited by law).

Yes, scooters are a target for morons looking to raise hell in parking garages and tip things over. And yes, it looks ridiculous seeing one wee little scooter taking up a full parking space. But you DID buy the damn thing and agree to treat it like a regular vehicle. So learn to park it like one.

Personally, I blame parking lot developers for not making specific spaces for motorcycles. While I'm sure that's a headache in itself, it would be appreciated by the two wheeled community.

My real problem with this scooter parked here? He's parked in the spot where I take crack whores to fornicate with. You bastard!

So Learn To Park, Jerk!

Down By The Bay

douche bag


a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas

-a person who takes up 4 parking spaces with one vehicle

Learn To Park, Jerk...errr... douche bag!

Friday, July 4, 2008

The Infection Is Speading

Reader submitted. Your soul will receive special favor in the after life. (I really have no authorization to grant such a thing but hey! Maybe I do and you'll just have to wait until you die to find out. Either way, thanks for the photo!)

Well kiddies, here's another Learn To Park, Jerk first! A photo all the way from Victoria, BC! We're now national!!! And what's that mean? Nothing, really, except that I've increased the range of people who'll now hate me. I'm the freakin' George Bush of websites!!!

Sadly, I thought we could contain the outbreak of stupidity and parking lot retardation to just Alberta but someone must have slipped past the border. And what did they do first? They bought a van and took up two parking spaces like a royal jackass.

Look, ass face, there ain't nothing special about you, your van or your fat ass kids who, granted, probably require more room than a fleet of Volkswagen Beetles. If you really need more room to offload them at the local Baskin Robbins, consider applying for handicap parking or buying a dump truck so you can let them ooze off the back.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Straddle This!

New theory: maybe folks who park as stupid as this jackass are new to driving vehicles with four wheels. I mean, if he were driving a motorcycle, he's be dead center of the parking spot.

Maybe. But the good money is on them just being an oblivious bag of monkey shit.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A Common Story

We've all been there.

You call your local Little Caesars and ask for delivery of a large stuffed crust pizza with Crazy Bread, only to have them tell you they don't deliver on this specific day. Something about being too busy planning a Jihad or some craziness like that.

No matter. You have your Mom's vehicle just going to waste in the garage. So you pop a couple of Pop Tarts into the toaster and run out to the car to see if you can be back from picking up your order before they're done.

En route to Little Caesars, you remember the mechanism that pops your toast back up hasn't been working for a year and you now face a real risk of burning your house down. It wouldn't be so bad but you've been storing a bale of marijuana under your bed for a friend while he's away in Cuba muling cocaine in his rectum and you know he'll be pissed if his retirement fund gets wrecked.

So you drive like a maniac into the parking lot of the pizza joint and park in the first available spot(s) you see. Screw parking close or properly. Money is at stake here!

And, well, so the story goes.

Look dinkus. It's not that hard to park BETWEEN the lines and not ON them. Even when your stash is at risk.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Visitor From Planet D'uh

Reader submitted! Thanks for the keen eye, laser fast photo taking skills and ability to use e-mail!

Happy Canada Day, folks! Help me welcome a whole crap load of visitors to our fine city as they eat our food, screw our women and take up two of our parking spaces at a time.

The first two, I don't mind. The food, they have to pay for. The women, they probably have to pay for as well. It's the taking two parking spaces for one shit kicker of a vehicle that I have a problem with.

I know they're just doing it to blend in with the surroundings and draw less attention to themselves since this city seems built on dildos that don't know how to park, but it obviously isn't working.

You're on notice, Cletus. Just head back to the farm, sodomized a few more goats and Learn To Park, Jerk!