Gimmie Room, Zoom Zoom

So...what the hell's going on here? What would make a person pull into a spot like this? And why do they think it's OK to park over the line into someone else's parking spot?

Was your mother raped by a retarded monkey and you're the distilled DNA left over from a botched abortion? Did your deadbeat father juggle you, a ball-peen hammer and a bowling ball, only to drop you on your head as a child? Are you just this fucking stupid?

I dream of the day that the lines on parking spaces emit a laser from them and sheer off anything parked over them like this.

Until that day, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Sawmill Butt

Reader submitted. Thanks for the contribution and blatantly free advertising of the Sawmill!

Look, buddy. I know it's rare to find a parking spot in front of your favorite restaurant that isn't reserved for the handicapped (those lucky SOB's). But did you have to park over the line into the handicap parking space? Was it a race to get that spot in the first place? Was it a social commentary? Are you just that stupid?

Might I suggest you (A) have a little consideration for someone other than yourself for once in your life and (B) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Right Before Your Eyes...

Reader submitted! Thanks for pointing out the douche bag of all douche bags!

What you're seeing is the result of a mid-life crisis. This "penis-on-wheels" is the reason this website was made.

Some aging old fart who never thought to try Enzyte or Viagra decides to buy an overpriced sports car to try and recapture his youth. In doing so, his brain regresses to an infantile state and thinks it's OK to park on a slant so no one will touch his precious baby.

What do we say to fuck faces like this?

"IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR CAR, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!"

And what else do we say?

LEARN TO PARK, JERK!

Short Bus Ain't Short Enough!

Don't get me wrong. I'm all in favor of the DATS bus! Just the fact that these guys and gals are out there helping the disabled live a normal life makes them OK in my book. However...

Did you have to park in four parking spaces in the middle of a fairly busy parking lot? I'm sorry, but buses, big rigs and anything over sized should be parking on the outskirts. While I'm sure you were just running in and out of a local business, you potentially ruined the day for three other folks looking to park close to wherever they were doing business.

So, as much as it pains me to say this, I think you should Learn To Park, Jerk!

Other than that, keep up the great work! I do appreciate what you do!

Except the whole parking thing this time. That wasn't cool.

(You know, you could definitely get away with parking in the handicap spaces. Just an FYI for you.)

Lincoln: Ass Kisser Extraordinaire

Now here's a real son of a bitch. Not only does he park forward over the line but he's pressed against the rear bumper of the car in front of him. And there's no way he didn't know he hit the car in front of him.

It's people like this that deserve to have their car vandalized. They obviously have no respect for anyone else's property.

My guess is that this is a little old lady who could barely see over the steering wheel and relies on feeling the BUMP to let her know when to take her foot off the gas.

Whatever the case, you need to be taken off the road NOW! And you also need to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Nova Scotia Faux Pas

Reader submitted from Nova Scotia. Thanks for taking time away from fishing/processing lumber/making bootleg Screech (and taking jobs away from Newfoundlanders) to lend a hand!

Hoo boy. A real controversial shot here. What we have is a Police car parked across a handicap parking space.

"Well, the Police can park anywhere they want. Maybe they were responding to an emergency. MAYBE THEY WERE SAVING SOMEONE'S LIFE!"

Fair enough. And I agree. I personally have no problem with haphazard parking while the Boys in Blue are on the job. But look at this from a handicapped person's standpoint.

Here they are, struggling to get where they're going in their specially adapted vehicle, using a broom handle to power the gas pedal while trying to steer with their one free hook. They finally get to their destination only to find a Police cruiser taking up the ONE space intended to make their life just a tad more bearable.

So, tell me, would YOU care why the Police were parked like that? Probably not. You'd be shaking that broomstick out the driver side window and cursing like a Tourettes Syndrome sufferer on a sugar high!

So, as a fair compromise, I won't label this with my trademark phrase and call these guys jerks. But I stand by busting them on this.

Busted!

Douchebagus Familiarus

What the hell is going on here? What kind of cow ass rimming pickle fucker parks their car across 5 spaces? He even sat in his vehicle for a long time admiring his work.

"Oh yeah. I'm the biggest douche bag in all of Edmonton. Maybe even in all of Alberta. Next time I'll wear my wife's panties and celebrate my douchiness with two hands."

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Happy 50th Posting, Jerk!

That's right! We've made it to 50 posts. We've busted 50 people so far that have no clue how to park a vehicle! And what does that mean in the grand scheme of things?

Not a whole hell of a lot, sir. No a whole hell of a lot. We haven't even scratched the surface of stupidity in Edmonton, let alone the whole world! So let's just get back to it, shall we?

Why do trucks owners have such a hard time parking? I've owned a truck. I had no trouble parking it. I'm far from a model driver but if I can do it, pretty much anyone can. So, really, the blame lies on the parents of the offensive parker.

That's right. Their parents. They obviously didn't instill any civility into their illegitimate hell spawn and teach them to be aware of other people around them. Why, it wouldn't surprise me to find out a large portion of these bad parkers are, in reality, child molesters, rapists and lawyers.

So, you line hugging bastard child of a vaginal discharge gone horribly wrong, do what your Momma should have done years ago and Learn To Park, Jerk!

From Beautiful Wainwright

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting a bad parking chowder head! Alberta is now 0.001% a better place!

As the Bad Parking Virus spreads across Alberta, we're taken to the town of Wainwright, home to one of Canada's many military bases located in the middle of Butt Screw Nowhere. (I heard they were going to put one in Rita McNeil's vagina but initial surveyors never returned from the abyss.)

Anyway, along comes some fancy pants from Saskatchewan and starts drawing attention to the town by parking like a complete piece of used ass wipe. If it hadn't gone out of style years ago, I'd say this guy would be a prime candidate for tar and feathering. At the very least, a trimming of his mullet and a punch in the crotch by a 7 year old with Elephantiasis of the fist.

Welcome to Alberta! Now Learn To Park, Jerk!

Big Rig Frig

This one is a touchy subject.

Yes, big rig cabs are large. And yes, they're going to take up more than one spot.

But look.

When you're looking to kill a few hours in town by having adolescent teens give you hand jobs in the sleeper of your truck, try to park so you're not so noticeable. Try parking on the edge of the parking lot, not in the middle. And maybe don't take up 8 spaces while you're at it.

I know that's probably part of the thrill: a 14 year olds thumb up your ass AND hogging more than your fair share of parking spaces. But come on now!

Learn To Park, Jerk!