Come On Now!

Short and sweet:

It's folks like this that give the kids on the short school bus a bad name.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Corporate Shenanigans

First off, let me tell you one brand of water I shan't be soaking my sweaty testicles in: Glaceau Vitamin Water. And it's all because their demo staff haven't got a clue about how to park their trailer.

Granted, it's a tricky situation. And, more than likely, I'd post their picture no matter how they parked because I guarantee they still be violating some unwritten parking lot rule. But sticking your ass end out well beyond the limit of your parking stall? Idiocy!

My suggestion to Mr. Fancy Hose Water Man? Learn To Park, Jerk!

By the way, if you're a fancy water company that knows how to park and wants the honor of being the official Ball Soaking Liquid of Learn To Park, Jerk, feel free to contact me via the e-mail address at the bottom of this page. We're always willing to give free advertising in exchange for keeping our boys cool!

IKEA - Swedish for "Parks Like A Jackass"

Reader submitted. Even the title was supplied. My life just keeps getting easier and easier!

Hey jerk off! Put THIS together: what happens when you take up four parking spaces at a busy shopping complex in 2008?

Answer: Thanks to modern technology, you get your picture taken and posted online for the whole world to see within 24 hours. And thanks to karma and "wishful thinking" by some of our more vengeful readers, you'll probably be anally raped with a porcupine dildo by the end of the weekend.

So, on behalf of everyone who had to park even further from IKEA thanks to you, a mighty FUCK YOU and a Learn To Park, Jerk!

Extend-A-Jerk

Reader submitted. Thanks for helping flip the virtual bird to bad parkers!

You're at work hauling equipment to the next job site when RING RING!!! It's the wife calling. She feels bloated, the dog's driving her crazy and she's only got enough feminine products to last until supper. You know that if you don't haul ass to the nearest drug store and pick up a 24 pack of O.B's, a four pack of paper towels and a pint of Cherry Garcia, you're ass is sleeping in the garage until the second coming of Jesus.

So you pull into the nearest parking lot and damn near abandon your vehicle in any old fashion to get what your water retaining Queen is asking for. And who would possibly care that you take up 6 or 7 parking spots in the process?

Well, I guess now we know. So, while I'm glad you kept your wife from turning your white suede sofa into a biological copy of the Canadian flag, you pissed off enough people to get you featured on the site.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Stuck In The Middle With Screw You!

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting more humps than an Arab with a smooth stick and a fleet of camels!!!

It's becoming an age old story. Boy meets car. Boy loves car. Boy buys car. Boy tries to park car but retard with a truck is crowding the last parking spot in the lot. So Boy gets key and gouges the hell out of Forrest Gump-mobile and initiates a Chicken Blood Voodoo Curse.

Happens every day. For real.

We need a parking lot vigilante. Someone to wear tights, a cape and a mask who will pee on hoods and take a taco induced dump in the back of trucks. And, if time permits, leave a well worded note telling them to smarten the fuck up.

Until then, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pair of Dorks Part 2

Reader submitted. And what a doozy!

Here we have a local business representative with his name plastered all over his van. Parking like a jack ass in your vehicle is somewhat anonymous. But parking like a Mongoloid Mutant Wiener Sniffer in a vehicle that readily identifies you is just plain stupid.

What the hell were you thinking? Are you this stupid when it comes to your trade? Do I dare turn on a light after you've fiddled around with it? Plainly, you lack common sense, proper etiquette and underarm deodorant (just a guess on that last point).

Long story short, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pair of Dorks Part 1

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting these jack holes!

My, oh my! Two bad parkers side by side. Today, we'll focus on the car and leave the van for tomorrow. Why overload on the fun and leave ourselves spent? If I wanted to do that, I'd rub one out before my morning coffee.

I just don't understand why people can't park properly between the lines. I mean, they're bright yellow. They're universal. It's not like it's a new system the world has implemented and it's taking awhile to catch on. It's a fucking parking lot!

Just throwing out a theory here: Bad parkers make bad lovers.

For the guys who can't seem to settle in between the lines, I picture you blindly stabbing your pork sword forward against some poor woman's (or guys) inner legs for hours, trying to get it in.

And the ladies who park like crap? I picture more than one of you with an eye patch; having had your ocular socket skewered by throbbing man meat when you couldn't line yourself up for a proper BJ.

Am I wrong? Am I right? Who gives a shit! You're a fucking idiot! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Saskatchewanna Park Like That For?

The three most common lies in Western Canada are:

(1) I left my wallet in my other pants.

(2) I'll call you right back.

(3) I'll only stick it in a little ways.

Well, this parking space rapist has stuck it in a little ways and, let me tell you, it doesn't feel very good. Maybe this sort of thing flies in Saskatchewan when you aren't busy "husking the corn cob" but here in Alberta, well, we do the same damn thing. But we do it without all the produce up our asses.

Nevertheless, you've been busted. So smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pick Up And Get On Your Own Damn Side

So, what are you thinking when you see a patch of empty parking spaces, jack ass? Do you think "Wow, I must be the only person in the city shopping today. And since no one else will be using any of these luxurious parking spaces, I'm going to take as many as I can! I'm King of the Fucking World!"?

I'll bet you're also the kind of person who always "Takes A Penny" because they're free, samples/steals candy from the bulk bins at the grocery store and uses your room mates socks to clean up your "solo love life spill overs".

Stop being such a waste of oxygen and Learn To Park, Jerk!

4 Wheels Goooooood, 6 Wheels Baaaaaaaad

"My truck has an extra wide wheel base and yellow flashy lights over top. Obviously, I'm the next best thing to Jesus Christ and flavored condoms, so I think I'll just park like a dick smack and take up AT LEAST three spaces with my uber sweet truck. Suck it!"


On behalf of everyone who finds this even a fraction as annoying as I do, fuck you. Fuck your truck. And fuck your lack of common decency.

And Learn To Park, Jerk!