Big Rig Frig

This one is a touchy subject.

Yes, big rig cabs are large. And yes, they're going to take up more than one spot.

But look.

When you're looking to kill a few hours in town by having adolescent teens give you hand jobs in the sleeper of your truck, try to park so you're not so noticeable. Try parking on the edge of the parking lot, not in the middle. And maybe don't take up 8 spaces while you're at it.

I know that's probably part of the thrill: a 14 year olds thumb up your ass AND hogging more than your fair share of parking spaces. But come on now!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Excuse Me, Ma'am, But You've Got BACK!

Reader submitted! Thanks for joining the Parking Lot Nazi Party! (No offense if you're Jewish or a distant relative of Ava Braun. We aren't really Nazis. We feel all races are equally stupid when it comes to bad parking, highway driving and bartering with escorts.)

I'll bet the people who park like this popcorn fart also used to go out on Hallowe'en with a Unicef box, scam the neighbors for loose change then kept it for themselves. I mean hey! The opportunity was there so why not take it, right?

Same goes for parking lots. Hey, no one was using those two spaces, so why not take them both with one vehicle?

Ya jackass.

So, Mr. or Mrs. Alleged Unicef scam artist...Learn To Park, Jerk!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Duty!

Ooooo, everyone bow down to Super Duty!

Super Duty deserves to park like a complete asshole. He burns gas at twice the rate of most vehicles. He's able to transport illegal Mexican workers up north in a U-Haul trailer in groups of 100. And the mighty Super Duty just looks so cool cruising the east end of Edmonton in search of underage poontang.

So when you see Super Duty on the streets or taking up all the parking spaces, avert your eyes. You just aren't worthy!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wide Ride!

Reader submitted. Thanks for helping make the world...well...the same place it already is. But now with one more picture of it!

So you like to load up the old truck with your portly kin folk and head on out to the big city to spend some of that hard earned recycling money. Good for you.

And since your family is slightly large around the mid section, it makes sense you bought a vehicle that can take the sort of punishment daily that driving the obese causes.

But uh-oh! It doesn't seem to fit inside the lines of a regular parking space. Or at least you can't seem to make it fit inside the lines. But that's OK. You couldn't color inside the lines in kindergarten either. And when you dropped out in grade 7 because you just couldn't figure out how to keep all that loose leaf inside your 3 ring binder, well, that was OK too!

Because look at you now! You're a parking lot jerk!

And the world said you would never amount to anything. HA!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Whatcha Doin' There, Scooter?

A lot of folks won't see anything wrong with this. It's a scooter parked in the spot beneath a stairwell in a parking garage.

Now, scooters are a licensed motor vehicle. They're registered with the DMV and have to obey the same rules of the road as grown up vehicles. The same is true for parking lots. Just because something CAN fit into an area doesn't mean it SHOULD go in there. If that line of thinking were true, there'd be a LOT more anal sex happening in the world today (except where prohibited by law).

Yes, scooters are a target for morons looking to raise hell in parking garages and tip things over. And yes, it looks ridiculous seeing one wee little scooter taking up a full parking space. But you DID buy the damn thing and agree to treat it like a regular vehicle. So learn to park it like one.

Personally, I blame parking lot developers for not making specific spaces for motorcycles. While I'm sure that's a headache in itself, it would be appreciated by the two wheeled community.

My real problem with this scooter parked here? He's parked in the spot where I take crack whores to fornicate with. You bastard!

So Learn To Park, Jerk!

Down By The Bay

douche bag

noun

– a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas

-a person who takes up 4 parking spaces with one vehicle

Learn To Park, Jerk...errr... douche bag!

The Infection Is Speading

Reader submitted. Your soul will receive special favor in the after life. (I really have no authorization to grant such a thing but hey! Maybe I do and you'll just have to wait until you die to find out. Either way, thanks for the photo!)

Well kiddies, here's another Learn To Park, Jerk first! A photo all the way from Victoria, BC! We're now national!!! And what's that mean? Nothing, really, except that I've increased the range of people who'll now hate me. I'm the freakin' George Bush of websites!!!

Sadly, I thought we could contain the outbreak of stupidity and parking lot retardation to just Alberta but someone must have slipped past the border. And what did they do first? They bought a van and took up two parking spaces like a royal jackass.

Look, ass face, there ain't nothing special about you, your van or your fat ass kids who, granted, probably require more room than a fleet of Volkswagen Beetles. If you really need more room to offload them at the local Baskin Robbins, consider applying for handicap parking or buying a dump truck so you can let them ooze off the back.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Straddle This!

New theory: maybe folks who park as stupid as this jackass are new to driving vehicles with four wheels. I mean, if he were driving a motorcycle, he's be dead center of the parking spot.

Maybe. But the good money is on them just being an oblivious bag of monkey shit.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

A Common Story

We've all been there.

You call your local Little Caesars and ask for delivery of a large stuffed crust pizza with Crazy Bread, only to have them tell you they don't deliver on this specific day. Something about being too busy planning a Jihad or some craziness like that.

No matter. You have your Mom's vehicle just going to waste in the garage. So you pop a couple of Pop Tarts into the toaster and run out to the car to see if you can be back from picking up your order before they're done.

En route to Little Caesars, you remember the mechanism that pops your toast back up hasn't been working for a year and you now face a real risk of burning your house down. It wouldn't be so bad but you've been storing a bale of marijuana under your bed for a friend while he's away in Cuba muling cocaine in his rectum and you know he'll be pissed if his retirement fund gets wrecked.

So you drive like a maniac into the parking lot of the pizza joint and park in the first available spot(s) you see. Screw parking close or properly. Money is at stake here!

And, well, so the story goes.

Look dinkus. It's not that hard to park BETWEEN the lines and not ON them. Even when your stash is at risk.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Visitor From Planet D'uh

Reader submitted! Thanks for the keen eye, laser fast photo taking skills and ability to use e-mail!

Happy Canada Day, folks! Help me welcome a whole crap load of visitors to our fine city as they eat our food, screw our women and take up two of our parking spaces at a time.

The first two, I don't mind. The food, they have to pay for. The women, they probably have to pay for as well. It's the taking two parking spaces for one shit kicker of a vehicle that I have a problem with.

I know they're just doing it to blend in with the surroundings and draw less attention to themselves since this city seems built on dildos that don't know how to park, but it obviously isn't working.

You're on notice, Cletus. Just head back to the farm, sodomized a few more goats and Learn To Park, Jerk!