Side By Side Pt. 1

Reader contributed. Again, very much appreciated!

Now, I can hear some of you say "Hey, Mr. Website Jerk, this guy isn't hurting anyone with his retarded approach to parking." And, you know what? I agree. But this website is about dick heads who don't know how to park, period. And this truck toting moron is a great example of that.

And consider this: what if a couple of extra wide vehicles happen to try and drive past each other on the passenger side of this truck? With him hanging out over the side, there could be an awkward situation resulting in a fiery explosion and multiple injuries!

Ok, that's a stretch, but it COULD happen. Either way, just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Look At Those Pair

Reader submitted photo. Thank you so much! This is a rare find. Keep 'em coming!

So what are we looking at? I'll tell you what we're looking at. Two fuck heads in one shot. If I had to pick one to defend (and I'm sure as hell not defending either), I'd have to say the douche on the left is less of an offender. Don't get me wrong. He/she/it is a line hugger, for sure. Undoubtedly needing the extra space on the driver side to allow room to adjust their giant head because they obviously think they're the only person on the planet who uses a parking lot.

But the person on the right is a much bigger douche bag. Totally violating two parking spaces at the same time. Oh, and lookie here...it's a truck/SUV. Surprise surprise.

sigh...Look folks. I'm not sure you know what the lines in a parking lot are for. Maybe you think they were put there as some sort of Art Nouveau thing or maybe you believe they're like crop circles; you don't know how they got there but dang "they shure are purdy!"

Whatever the reason, smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Innie or Audi?

Reader submitted photo. Again, much thanks for keeping your eyes open for stuff like this!

Anyway, men think with their penises. When their penis is too small, they buy an expensive car to help in the decision making process. When the car starts doing your thinking, you do stupid things.

You start wearing gold chains and low buttoned shirts well into your 50's.

You hang out in school parking lots to hit on young girls and offer them rides.

You begin parking like an asshole.

Now, what if this is a female owned vehicle? Easy.

Escorts make a lot of money. Want a Rub and tug? $200. A Bag and gag? $250. A Twist and shout? $500 and a lot of ointment afterwards.

The point is, these gals make a lot of money and are just as susceptible to buying fancy cars to make up for low self esteem. And since these gals use sex as power, that thinking spills over into real life and you begin parking like a bitch.

Either way, this dip shit is taking up two spaces and needs a firm kick in the teeny weenie/gigantic box.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

It Takes Two...

Reader submitted photo. Nice shot! Kudos and much thanks to you! :)

Just when I think truck owners have the monopoly on being inconsiderate jizz bags, I start seeing more and more sporty looking cars ruining things for everyone. And this looks like the same old story: "I just bought this car with the profits from my kiddie porn and crystal meth manufacturing home based business. Don't ding my car or I won't be able to lure kids back to my place!"

Well, I feel for you. My car has been dinged, dented and breathed upon by the common folk of Alberta. It sucks. But that's life! So what do we say to asses like this, kids?

Everyone now: IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR CAR TO GET DINGED, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!

I guarantee, someone is eventually going to start wreaking havoc on cars parked like this. I don't advocate it but I wouldn't stop anyone taking a piss in their gas tank either.

So, do yourself a really big favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

I'm Talon On You

Well, this person's obviously not trying to protect their vehicle. I can only assume they have a rotund companion that requires extra room to squeeze out of the passenger side.

It's a shame you can't get a handicap parking permit for transporting the obese. Those spaces are huge and you could probably park your vehicle horizontal in them, thereby reducing your chances of ending up on a site like this.

Until the rules change, kindly (a) get a treadmill and stomach stapling coupon for your companion and (b) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Stay Clear!!!

OK, this is a strange combination. A piece of crap vehicle taking up two spaces? Very odd. Perhaps the doors are held on with bungie cords and old Nicorette gum AND the driver is trying to keep from damaging your vehicle should it give up the ghost.

More than likely, it's just some dumb ass who thinks they own the world. I'd have to think that if God/Buddha/Allah drove a vehicle, they'd (A) not drive a rusted piece of crap like this (B) would have a cool vanity plate like "1TRUGOD" and (C) would sport a bumper sticker that says "I scored with the Virgin Mary!"

Since I can guarantee you're just some schlub being an ass, do us all a favor and:

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Park The Line

Another user submitted photo. Thanks for your contribution. Looks like we frequent the same parking area.

So here's yet another line hugger. I'm starting to think folks like this are single. I mean, they're only concerned about themselves and not what would happen if someone decided to park in the space you so thoughtlessly encroached upon. Your spouse/paid escort would be hard pressed to open their door while you have more than enough room on the drivers side! Class act, pal!

My advice to you, single moronic parker? If you ever want to find that special someone, get a clue and learn a little etiquette. The way you park tells us loads about you.

Learn to park, jerk!

Van Damn!

Reader submitted photo. Much thanks for your pic!

So what do we have here? A van sprawled out across two spaces? What the hell were you thinking? Were you unloading the A-Team on a top secret mission and needed room for them to run out guns a-blazing?

Look, it might be a challenge to load/unload your van via the side door but that's why the whole back end of your vehicle opens up. Stop being a parking lot jackass!

Learn to park, jerk!

Another Classic Breed of Jerk

Even more "Classic" than the Two Space Hog is the Diagonal Two Space Hog. Here's an ass hat who KNOWS that he's being a jerk ass. "I spent $50,000 on this mid-life crisis and I'll damn well take up two spaces to keep the poor from parking near me."

Now, I don't condone vandalism in the slightest BUT if anyone deserves it, it's dipshits like this. I've said it before: Don't want to chance getting your expensive car dinged? Leave it the fuck at home!

Learn To Park, Jerk!!!

Classic!

He's either a line hugger gone awry or he actually took up two spaces to protect his investment. Yes sir, a beauty like this needs protection 24/7. A scratch could cause this boat to lose all structural integrity and disintegrate.

Just learn to park, jerk. Cripes!