Station Wagon Parking Lot Dragon...PLUS!

Reader submitted. Way to take a pic from a quarter mile away! But as long as you remain safe from the big bad station wagon owner... :P

Here we have two, yes, TWO moron parkers. One in the center of the photo and another further up in the picture. TWO IDIOTS DOING THE SAME THING!

Here's a helpful lesson for all you new drivers. What do you do when a parking lot is full?

Give up?

You make your own fucking spot! Park wherever you like! To play it safe, park NEAR other people who have parked correctly. That way you'll look like less of a fucking idiot. Only your family and friends will know what a real drain of Earth's resources you are.

Both of you; do me a favor. Fuck off a gargle a rusty razor blade! And Learn To Park, Jerks!

Cuntario Parker in AB

Talk about making yourself at home. This half wit spastic tard must have seen another Alberta driver park poorly and decided to try and blend in with the crowd.

If it weren't for your misplaced air of superiority and FUCKING ONTARIO LICENSE PLATE, you may have succeeded.

So, if you're not too busy eating jam out of your mother's anus and suckling on your Daddy's dong, kindly Learn To Park, Jerk!

Grand Canyon A-Hole

God damn.

God damn. God damn. God DAMN!

How can a person like this exist on Earth? A person who parks a trillion miles from a support beam and hogs two parking spots should be anally raped with a red hot poker and bukkaked by several rutting moose. And, just to add insult to injury, the same should happen to their Grandmother while they're forced to watch.

If you can't park properly, fuck off and take the bus, shit stain! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Original Jerk Quandary

Viewer submitted by the same person as the Insult To Injury post. You even used the flash. Ballsy. Me like. (Not balls...just the ballsy attitude...)

You have two, maybe three people in a row, all parked like Ray Charles was behind the wheel after a college kegger. Usually, most of these people have to park poorly because of the actions of one limp penis. In this photo, and by using the parking CSI skills that I obtained through mail order schooling, I'd have to say it's the hillbilly Chevy to the right who started the whole mess.

Listen Cletus...I'm sure there's a redneck bitch who is appreciative of the field plowing you're trying to give her. But it's apparent (by using those same CSI parking skills) that your penis hasn't moved since Hinckley shot Reagan and, even if it did, your scabbed up trailer park whore is probably looser than your prison stretched anus.

I'd like to suggest you run a hose from the tailpipe to the cab of your Crud Mobile and idle the vehicle for a few hours while you take a nap inside. See how that goes.

Alternately, you could just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Adding Insult To Injury

Viewer submitted. Fearing retribution from a dozen Hispanic midgets in a Mini Cooper, the submitter blanked out the plates. Tsk tsk.

Imagine, if you will...God loses your legs in a game of Texas Hold 'Em and you're left hobbling around on two broom handles strapped to your pelvic bone. Sure, vaginal splinter suck, but the bright side is: you get the best parking spots available!

That is, until a rectal polyp such as this decides he'll park his Fag-Mobile in such a way as to infringe on your sweet ass parking stall. And since it's hard enough to drive with two broom handles crammed in your cha-cha, you're probably going to (a) hit this fucker or (b) park poorly; resulting in you falling flat on your face.

Sure, it'll look funny to the rest of us, but the fact remains, this son of a whore is the cause of your impending humiliation.

To you, Mr. Poor Excuse for a Driver: die in a fire. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Deck This Guy With Boughs Of Holly

Viewer submitted: by Santa, I think. While I appreciate the help, maybe you should have been tending to your elves. They totally botched my life sized replica blow up doll of Jenny McCarthy! Not one point of entry! What a waste!

It's the last Sunday before Christmas. You've been working double shifts and overtime so you can afford to get Little Johnny a new PS3, Baby Sue the complete set of Hannah Montana dolls and the wife a pair of crotchless panties that you'll secretly wear when she's out of town. You finally get a day off and head down to the jam packed mall.

But wait. What the FUCK is this?

Some cock knot has parked his hillbilly pussy wagon across TWO stalls! Because parking is SOOOOO plentiful during the Christmas rush. Yeah.

You cunt.

And how ironic is the bumper sticker? MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! I almost think that's meant as this gay-wad's vanity plate. Yeah, you suck pal! AND swallow! Just like Mommy!

So now you're left to circle the parking lot like you're driving the Indy 500 while this rat bastard son of a bitch wastes TWO spaces just so he can buy batteries for his vibrating butt plug.

Get a clue. It's Christmas, you waste of oxygen! Share the fucking lot! And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Another First: A Bad Parking Comic

Reader submitted. Pretty much says it all. Normally, I don't publish stuff like this but it's actually topic appropriate. This is the world I'd like to someday live in. This or the world where women worship me like the Godly Parking Nerd I am! Either or.

Kudos to xkcd.com for this comic. Not always funny but, then, neither am I. Bah! Who asked you? Learn To Park, Jerk!

The Jerks Are Deep In The Heart Of Texas

Reader submitted. From a window. In a building. With a sniper rifle by their side. First JFK, now bad parkers.

Whoa whoa whoa! you may be saying to yourselves. Why is this guy posted here? He's clearly parked between the lines. You're getting out of control with your accusations, Parking Jerk!

Settle down, Gumby. Think about it. Look how the car is turned inwards. If you tried to park to the right of this shit stain, you'd stand to lose a layer of paint (if Mr. Ass Sniff tries to straighten out when he pulls out) or your rear fender (if he just pulls out the same way he pulled in). While you COULD use that spot, it's a risky move. This putz effectively ruined that spot for anyone not driving a SMART car or a rickshaw pulled by your Mom.

It's not just about crossing the line. It's about fucking up other parking spots for the normal folk out there. All three of us.

So...do Round Rock, Texas a favor and dry hump an electrical socket. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Crossing Over: Jerk Edition

Reader submitted. Ya stinkin' tattletale. Keep it up!

Why do people park like this? My theory is that most folks are dumber than fuck. And let's not forget inconsiderate. Punching a cripple in a wheelchair is one thing, but parking over the line is, well, over the line!

If Stevie Wonder had parked this car like this, I'd say he did one hell of a job! But I'd still post this picture. Since I doubt this was old Stevie's work, I gladly pass along this message:

Go fuck yourself with a large wooden dowel! Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Share and Share Alike, Butthole!

Reader submitted. Thanks for saving me a trip to N.C. Pffft. Like I can get across the border with this site on my record.

What makes this skid mark unique isn't how poorly he parks his vehicle. Or how gay it looks with a girl's bike hanging off the back. Just take a gander at the bumper sticker. What's that say?

Share the road?

SHARE THE ROAD? You can't share a fucking parking lot! You take up two spaces and you want people to share the road with you? Two words, jizz mop: (1) FUCK (2) YOU.

And just so you don't think someone put this bumper sticker there as a joke:




It's on the fucker's license plate too! Holy sweet FUCK almighty!

The next time someone edges your sorry, sweat soaked, saddle bag of an ass off the road when you're peddling your Schwinn to 31 Flavors , remember that Karma's a bitch and so is your Mom for raising a twat like you. Learn to share a fucking parking stall, cunt mist!

And Learn To Park, Jerk!