Learn To Park, Jerk

Driving Force A Foot Up Your Ass

2010-07-16T15:36:00.002-06:00

You've got to love the freedom that comes with a rental vehicle. You never have to care about it as though it were your own because...well, it's NOT !

It's the same freedom they get when they swap sisters at their weekly family reunion/swinger's get together. They'll always push the swapped sister farther because 'she ain't my property since I dun lost 'er in a game of homersexual Slap Ass.'

Good luck with your three headed webbed toed babies and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Optima Prime Asshole

2010-07-06T13:12:00.004-06:00

Viewer submitted. You crafty parking lot ninja, you!

Just like our previous post, here we have someone who parks outside the assigned parking stall area.

Perhaps they think those yellow lines are made of rubber and affords more traction should the parkade fall victim to an earthquake.

Or, perhaps, they feel the rules of society don't apply to them. So, they'll park on the yellow lines, shit on public toilet seats and drop the "N" bomb in casual conversation even though they're obviously white trash.

Or it could just quite possibly be...and this is a stretch...that this person is just a God Damn Fucking Asshole.

You know...that last one just feels right.

Hey, God Damn Fucking Asshole?

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Porsche - German for Asswipe

2010-07-02T14:22:00.004-06:00

Viewer submitted. Thanks for stalking men in fancy cars! It's already paying off!

Learn To Park, Jerk! presents a classic story:

Meet Boy.

Boy likes other boys.

Boy lives in uptight small community where the only homo is the town clergy.

Boy blows town clergy.

Boy becomes Man and later sues town clergy for molestation.

Man becomes rich.

Man buys welfare version of Porsche Carrera and moves to Big Gay City.

Man gets blown then killed by local fuckhead and has Porsche stolen.

Local fuckhead parks like the cocksucker he is and gets photographed.

Local photographer becomes featured on popular website.

No one blows owner of Learn To Park, Jerk!

Ironic.

The moral of the story?

IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE PARKING NEAR YOUR STOLEN VEHICLE THAT YOU GOT THROUGH A LETHAL GAY ENCOUNTER, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

2010-06-25T13:34:00.004-06:00

Viewer submitted WITH an explanation. Since this makes MY job that much easier, I'll just copy and paste it down below in the same italics as this. Being a lazy prick has never been easier!

"This asshole parks at our office and was there all day, might I mention our parking lot is quite full and so there are no extra spaces unless you want to go park in the paved lot way out back.

I left one of these on his windshield."

While we don't encourage vandalism on this site, we also aren't your Daddy. Do whatever the fuck you want.

As for this dipshit of a parker, he obviously backed into the spot. It's surprising how bad his aim is since he seems like the kind of guy who backs onto men's cocks on a regular basis. I guess if his sphincter isn't at risk, the motivation just isn't there.

So either install an asshole on the back of your car (should be easy since an asshole is DRIVING the damn thing) or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Drive Your Chevy To The Levy...

2010-06-18T15:47:00.002-06:00

...and park like a retard over there instead of here, you retarded fuck muffin!

Any clue what those yellow lines are? They aren't the same as the one in your underwear, Skid Mark. These are to position your vehicle between properly so others may park around you.

A shame you feel the rules don't apply to you, or the rules of proper personal hygiene.

Learn To Wipe Your Ass ANNNNND Learn To Park, Jerk!

Oh, What A Feeling!

2010-06-11T13:58:00.002-06:00

Oh yeah! It must feel REAL good parking half assed like this; ruining two parking spot with your cross eyed parking skills. You probably also get your jollies from kicking puppies down a football field and from finger banging unconscious senior citizens in the anus.

You're a disease and this website is the cure.

Well, maybe not the cure. More like a different disease fighting for territory. Like an epic battle between herpes and Hepatitis C. Both of which are better than you.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

This Ain't Your Daddy's Parking Job...Oh Wait...

2010-06-02T10:22:00.003-06:00

What happens when Grandpa shotguns a liter of prune juice to wash down half a dozen bran muffins for breakfast? He comes within a millimeter of shitting his pants in his car. So can we blame him for abandoning his Coot Cruiser so poorly as he dashes for the nearest bathroom?

You bet we can!

Kiegel your sphincter. Ease up on the colon blasting diet. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Dirty Jeepskate

2010-05-28T13:37:00.003-06:00

Let's make a list of reasons why someone would park like this:

1. Their windshield was too dirty and they couldn't see the lines.

2. They're a result of inbreeding and their Cyclops-like eye couldn't focus properly.

3. It was a woman driver.

No, as feasible as they all sound, it all comes down to what's known as Occum's Razor, which states 'The simplest solution tends to be the correct one."

The person is a fucking idiot, plain and simple.

Kindly get yourself a sulfuric acid enema and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Little Red Corvette

2010-05-17T10:48:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. I'm sure petty jealousy had nothing to do with the whole "I'm telling on you!" process.

Well, here's yet another classic case of "New Car/Park Gay/Feel Secure" syndrome. In reality, it's actually "Small Dick/Loose Vagina/Fuck Off And Die".

There's two solutions for this:

(1) If you don't want your overpriced libido replacement harmed, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME, CUNT NUGGET!

(2) Donate to Learn To Park, Jerk! so we can buy a piece of shit beater to park diagonally NEXT to douche bags like this! Imagine how pissed they'll be when they come back to their vehicle and see a rusty 1986 Chevette parked next to their $50,000 small dick magnifier!

So, Corvette owner, beware! Your days are now numbered! Sell your Fag-Mobile or Learn To Park, Jerk!

Saskatche-Van

2010-05-10T14:41:00.003-06:00

Things Alberta Gets From Saskatchewan That They Don't Need:

(1) Loose women that taste like corn

(2) Drunk Prairie dwellers who smell like corn

(3) Mentally retarded parking lot ass hats who are dumber than corn

Why would you park like such a moron? It can't be because you're afraid of someone damaging your precious baby. Let's face it; your van looks like it was scraped from inside the anus of God himself! And if it's a disability thing, you would have used the handicap parking found all over Edmonton; home to many an oilfield cripple.

No, you parked like this because you're, straight up, a fucking asshole.

Kindly take a long drive off a short pier and, while you're re-evaluating your life underwater, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Fahrvergnügen This!

2010-05-07T13:24:00.003-06:00

What would Hitler drive if he ever came out of hiding? A Volkswagen, of course. And how would he park his Fuhrer-mobile? Probably like this!

Ok. Yes, the pussy fart of a human being next to you is hugging the line like a little bitch. Shame on him and his obvious lack of common sense and sex appeal. But you...YOU park on an angle and cross over the line to compensate?

Nu-uh! Fuck you and the little Pomeranian dog you get to lick aerosol cheese off your 2 inch dong, Little Hitler! Why don't you spend less time organizing death camps, propaganda speeches and fund raising bikini car washes to put forth the effort to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pussy Parker

2010-04-30T14:57:00.002-06:00

How many trucks have we seen parked poorly over the past couple of years? Way too many! And here's another cunt weed who thinks it's alright to monopolize TWO stalls with his Hillbilly limousine. And at such a blatant angle, he's obviously not wanting anyone to park next to him.

Um...excuse me...Mr. Dick Stub? You're driving a GODDAMN TRUCK! A big, burly Ford F150! Not some bitch Pinto or a homosexual SMART car. A TRUCK! Are you THAT big of a pussy that you're afraid of what might happen to it? Do you just use it to transport fat bitches to Tony Roma's on All You Can Eat Rib Night or what?

Grow a pair, stop wearing panties and fucking Learn To Park, Jerk!

Retarded Park Ranger

2010-04-29T10:40:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for doing what others only dream of doing: nailing a parking lot a-hole to the wall!

Gawd DAMN! Albertans love their trucks and that's a fact! Another fact is that with their overpriced gas guzzling shit kicker vehicle comes a free lobotomy. The evidence is shown in this ass cowboy's park job.

Parking ON the line AND cutting into a handicap parking zone to boot? Wow! What a C-U-Next-Tuesday!

No doubt, he was tired after having underage school boys perform fellatio on him for hours on end, only to realize he lost his dick years ago when his old 'hawse' bit it off during his very own Brokeback Mountain camping trip.

Sir, kindly shove a jagged tin can up your ass and develop a spastic sphincter!

And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Austinker Truck Driver

2010-04-26T12:11:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted! Way to bring another first to Learn To Park, Jerk! Video! Brilliant!

Go Big Or Go Home! That's what our Texan friends say ALL THE TIME! Well, I guess that goes for being the biggest asshole parker of all time!

Who blocks someone's driveway with their vehicle? A cock savoring fucknut, that's who! Typical redneck truck driving behavior so I'm really not surprised. But thanks for the easily recognizable vanity plate! PAPA MK? That should make the lives of all vengeful Austin parking Nazi's find you and exact justice the only way they know how! With their cameras!

And maybe a shotgun or two. Not that I endorse violence. I just happen to know far too many gun toting Texans.

On behalf of this poor driveway's owner: go fuck yourself with a rusty iron pole. I'm sure your red headed step child could use the break from servicing your size 9 poop chute! Asshole!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Station Wagon Parking Lot Dragon...PLUS!

2010-03-26T10:46:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted. Way to take a pic from a quarter mile away! But as long as you remain safe from the big bad station wagon owner... :P

Here we have two, yes, TWO moron parkers. One in the center of the photo and another further up in the picture. TWO IDIOTS DOING THE SAME THING!

Here's a helpful lesson for all you new drivers. What do you do when a parking lot is full?

Give up?

You make your own fucking spot! Park wherever you like! To play it safe, park NEAR other people who have parked correctly. That way you'll look like less of a fucking idiot. Only your family and friends will know what a real drain of Earth's resources you are.

Both of you; do me a favor. Fuck off a gargle a rusty razor blade! And Learn To Park, Jerks!

Cuntario Parker in AB

2010-02-24T14:18:00.002-07:00

Talk about making yourself at home. This half wit spastic tard must have seen another Alberta driver park poorly and decided to try and blend in with the crowd.

If it weren't for your misplaced air of superiority and FUCKING ONTARIO LICENSE PLATE, you may have succeeded.

So, if you're not too busy eating jam out of your mother's anus and suckling on your Daddy's dong, kindly Learn To Park, Jerk!

Grand Canyon A-Hole

2010-02-19T10:06:00.002-07:00

God damn.

God damn. God damn. God DAMN!

How can a person like this exist on Earth? A person who parks a trillion miles from a support beam and hogs two parking spots should be anally raped with a red hot poker and bukkaked by several rutting moose. And, just to add insult to injury, the same should happen to their Grandmother while they're forced to watch.

If you can't park properly, fuck off and take the bus, shit stain! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Original Jerk Quandary

2010-01-19T13:36:00.005-07:00

Viewer submitted by the same person as the Insult To Injury post. You even used the flash. Ballsy. Me like. (Not balls...just the ballsy attitude...)

You have two, maybe three people in a row, all parked like Ray Charles was behind the wheel after a college kegger. Usually, most of these people have to park poorly because of the actions of one limp penis. In this photo, and by using the parking CSI skills that I obtained through mail order schooling, I'd have to say it's the hillbilly Chevy to the right who started the whole mess.

Listen Cletus...I'm sure there's a redneck bitch who is appreciative of the field plowing you're trying to give her. But it's apparent (by using those same CSI parking skills) that your penis hasn't moved since Hinckley shot Reagan and, even if it did, your scabbed up trailer park whore is probably looser than your prison stretched anus.

I'd like to suggest you run a hose from the tailpipe to the cab of your Crud Mobile and idle the vehicle for a few hours while you take a nap inside. See how that goes.

Alternately, you could just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Adding Insult To Injury

2010-01-18T15:37:00.004-07:00

Viewer submitted. Fearing retribution from a dozen Hispanic midgets in a Mini Cooper, the submitter blanked out the plates. Tsk tsk.

Imagine, if you will...God loses your legs in a game of Texas Hold 'Em and you're left hobbling around on two broom handles strapped to your pelvic bone. Sure, vaginal splinter suck, but the bright side is: you get the best parking spots available!

That is, until a rectal polyp such as this decides he'll park his Fag-Mobile in such a way as to infringe on your sweet ass parking stall. And since it's hard enough to drive with two broom handles crammed in your cha-cha, you're probably going to (a) hit this fucker or (b) park poorly; resulting in you falling flat on your face.

Sure, it'll look funny to the rest of us, but the fact remains, this son of a whore is the cause of your impending humiliation.

To you, Mr. Poor Excuse for a Driver: die in a fire. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Deck This Guy With Boughs Of Holly

2010-01-12T11:54:00.006-07:00

Viewer submitted: by Santa, I think. While I appreciate the help, maybe you should have been tending to your elves. They totally botched my life sized replica blow up doll of Jenny McCarthy! Not one point of entry! What a waste!

It's the last Sunday before Christmas. You've been working double shifts and overtime so you can afford to get Little Johnny a new PS3, Baby Sue the complete set of Hannah Montana dolls and the wife a pair of crotchless panties that you'll secretly wear when she's out of town. You finally get a day off and head down to the jam packed mall.

But wait. What the FUCK is this?

Some cock knot has parked his hillbilly pussy wagon across TWO stalls! Because parking is SOOOOO plentiful during the Christmas rush. Yeah.

You cunt.

And how ironic is the bumper sticker? MEAN PEOPLE SUCK! I almost think that's meant as this gay-wad's vanity plate. Yeah, you suck pal! AND swallow! Just like Mommy!

So now you're left to circle the parking lot like you're driving the Indy 500 while this rat bastard son of a bitch wastes TWO spaces just so he can buy batteries for his vibrating butt plug.

Get a clue. It's Christmas, you waste of oxygen! Share the fucking lot! And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Another First: A Bad Parking Comic

2009-09-22T14:25:00.008-06:00

Reader submitted. Pretty much says it all. Normally, I don't publish stuff like this but it's actually topic appropriate. This is the world I'd like to someday live in. This or the world where women worship me like the Godly Parking Nerd I am! Either or.

Kudos to xkcd.com for this comic. Not always funny but, then, neither am I. Bah! Who asked you? Learn To Park, Jerk!

The Jerks Are Deep In The Heart Of Texas

2009-09-22T11:30:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. From a window. In a building. With a sniper rifle by their side. First JFK, now bad parkers.

Whoa whoa whoa! you may be saying to yourselves. Why is this guy posted here? He's clearly parked between the lines. You're getting out of control with your accusations, Parking Jerk!

Settle down, Gumby. Think about it. Look how the car is turned inwards. If you tried to park to the right of this shit stain, you'd stand to lose a layer of paint (if Mr. Ass Sniff tries to straighten out when he pulls out) or your rear fender (if he just pulls out the same way he pulled in). While you COULD use that spot, it's a risky move. This putz effectively ruined that spot for anyone not driving a SMART car or a rickshaw pulled by your Mom.

It's not just about crossing the line. It's about fucking up other parking spots for the normal folk out there. All three of us.

So...do Round Rock, Texas a favor and dry hump an electrical socket. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Crossing Over: Jerk Edition

2009-09-14T12:25:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Ya stinkin' tattletale. Keep it up!

Why do people park like this? My theory is that most folks are dumber than fuck. And let's not forget inconsiderate. Punching a cripple in a wheelchair is one thing, but parking over the line is, well, over the line!

If Stevie Wonder had parked this car like this, I'd say he did one hell of a job! But I'd still post this picture. Since I doubt this was old Stevie's work, I gladly pass along this message:

Go fuck yourself with a large wooden dowel! Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Share and Share Alike, Butthole!

2009-09-08T13:47:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for saving me a trip to N.C. Pffft. Like I can get across the border with this site on my record.

What makes this skid mark unique isn't how poorly he parks his vehicle. Or how gay it looks with a girl's bike hanging off the back. Just take a gander at the bumper sticker. What's that say?

Share the road?

SHARE THE ROAD? You can't share a fucking parking lot! You take up two spaces and you want people to share the road with you? Two words, jizz mop: (1) FUCK (2) YOU.

And just so you don't think someone put this bumper sticker there as a joke:

It's on the fucker's license plate too! Holy sweet FUCK almighty!

The next time someone edges your sorry, sweat soaked, saddle bag of an ass off the road when you're peddling your Schwinn to 31 Flavors , remember that Karma's a bitch and so is your Mom for raising a twat like you. Learn to share a fucking parking stall, cunt mist!

And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Sports Car - Gone Too Far

2009-09-04T15:15:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for this spectacular find!

If you've been following the site for long, you know this is a common occurrence.

Man has mid life crisis.
Man buys fancy car to feel better.
Man lives life in constant paranoia that someone will touch car.
Man becomes even bigger asshole than he was before.

Taking up four spaces to protect your dick replacement. What a cockless douche!

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to raise money and buy a piece of shit beater of a car. And I'm going to park EXCEPTIONALLY close to people like this. And, if possible, block their driver side door with my P.O.S. Teach these fuckers a lesson!

Until then, keep your fucking car home if you're so god damned worried about it and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Disney Dickhead

2009-08-21T14:23:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted from the Wonderful World Of Disney! Thanks Goofy!

Judging by the length of your vehicle, I'd have to guess you're a 79 year old, half dead fuck of a relic who's currently wearing shorts circa 1949 and black socks that have fallen around your ankles. Am I close? Hmmmmm???

Anyway, just because your tires are facing forward, DOESN'T mean you're parked straight. Back when you're penis worked, you must have been an awkward lay. Trying to get in that vag from an angle? Tsk. Tsk.

Your ex just called. She said Learn To Fuck, Jerk!

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Yessah, Mazda! I Parks REAL Good For Ya!

2009-08-19T16:27:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for taking the time to be as big a jerk as me! Score!

Passenger vans. By themselves, they're fine. But add a soccer mom with three bastard children who scream, kick and whine until Mommy wipes their asses and takes them for a soft serve treat and you get the latest edition of 'Parking Like A Retard'.

Either you're preoccupied with your stretched out vagina muscles (hey, you've got to pay the rent. I get that!) or this piece of shit van is too much vehicle for you. Whatever the case, you really need a public ass kicking, a boiling lava enema AND some Kegel exercises.

On behalf of all the good drivers in Florida, smarten your ass up before someone does more than take a picture of your epic failures.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

A Night Vision Of Stupidity

2009-08-14T14:59:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Very nice. Night vision photography. Now NO ONE is safe from the reach of obsessive compulsive nerds! Thanks for sharing the tech!

It's the same old story. Some cow fucker with a truck feels justified in taking up as much space as possible because "Ma truck is jus' so dang large. Man large."

Nope. Sorry. That's no excuse to screw up 4 stalls. This is the big city, dip shit. Parking is at a premium. Even late at night. Just like your wife's vagina.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Dodging Common Sense

2009-08-10T13:34:00.006-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for the catch! But remember: no one likes a tattle tale. Except us.

When Hillbilly Jed struck black gold on the land he was squatting on, he done ran out and got his self a darn purdy new horseless wagon. But when he went to the local incest swinger party at the neighborhood mall, he discovered he could see a man who looked just like him staring back at him from the shine on his carriage.

Afraid anything would happen to his new friend, Jed decided to protect him by taking up two parking stalls. Of course, it didn't hurt that the new man also had an underage daughter who looked a lot like his own. Why, if he weren't married to Little Brittany already, he'd totally marry the shiny new girl. Shucks. Poor Jed.

Look, fuck face. One vehicle = one spot. If you can't do math over there in Butt Fuck, Wyoming,
then you shouldn't have a license. Funny how you're able to budget out your welfare cheque to get enough moonshine to last you the month.

Either smarten the hell up, fall into a really deep cesspool or Learn To Park, Jerk!

NWT = NitWiT?

2009-08-07T13:30:00.004-06:00

Ah, the Northwest Territories. Canada's very own Siberia. A place where we send our most unwanted individuals. Except for Celine Dion, who bought her way back into the southern hemisphere.

Obviously, someone blew the right official and got a day pass to visit a province outside of their stinkin' Hell hole. Sadly, they thought their half-assed way of parking would fly here.

Well, it doesn't. So, kindly take your polar bear raping, Inuit molesting, seal fornicating ass back up north and keep it there before we re-introduce chlorofluorocarbons back into the atmosphere and kill you all with global warming a wee bit faster.

Oh, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

P.S. Tell Santa I said "Hey." If you haven't burned him for a night of heat, that is. Jackass.

Mini Van Parking Ban

2009-08-05T15:49:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks, but what the hell??? Did an epileptic monkey on a pogo stick take this shot? Slow it down to 50 the next time you try to grab a photo! Geez!

So, here we have a case of an inconsiderate mini van owner parking wherever she likes. It's not like she even tried to park between the lines. She turned the corner and just left her bucket of rust to take up two spots. Probably how she enters public bathroom stalls. One leg under the stall wall...her fat ass pressing against both walls...purse under the other stall wall...

More than likely, she parked like this because her kid was caught shoplifting condoms for her abusive husband so she wouldn't further populate the planet with more fuck nut bad parkers like herself. For that, she gets my gratitude. But for parking like such an asshole, she gets a heart felt:

"Learn To Park, Jerk!"

WE'RE BACK! Now look at this Fuck Wad!

2009-08-04T12:12:00.003-06:00

Learn To Park, Jerk! is back in session after a MUCH needed break. We tried to focus less on the negative aspects of the world around us but...well...cock knockers like this keep fucking with our shit! So we threw our hands up in the air, dusted off the cameras and POW! We're back!

And what better way to kick things off with a license plate that pretty much spells JERK. And sprawled across two parking spaces too! It's like finding a pearl buried in a pile of monkey shit in the jungle.

So thanks, Mr. Inconsiderate Parker/Ass Hemorrhage. You've made 21st century news! Ya cunt!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

BMW - Be More Waspish?

2008-11-19T17:45:00.002-07:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for the drive by shooting!

The classic "My Car Is Worth More Than Your Wife's Fake Jugs So I'll Park So No One Will Ding The Only Thing I Have Of Value In My Life Oh God I'm So Lonely".

What do we say to jerks like this, class? All together now!

IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR PRECIOUS VEHICLE, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!

Excellent everybody! And what else do we say to dried man juice stains like this?

LEARN TO PARK, JERK!

Beautiful!

Ain't That Grand AM!

2008-11-17T10:37:00.004-07:00

Reader submitted. Learn To Park, Jerk! Ninjas are EVERYWHERE!!!

From the photo's owner him/herself!

"This jerk parked over two stalls so he could avoid door dings that would otherwise ruin the “pristine” exterior of his priceless Grand Am. It looks like he learned his lesson the hard way as someone squeezed in next to him and appears to have dinged his car with a sledgehammer."

It's hard to tell from this photo that the door is dinged. But isn't that the kind of justice you'd like to see? I'd also like to see the car's owner get their pubes stuck on a fresh strip of fly paper too! Official Learn To Park, Jerk! Flypaper, coming to a store near you!

Then they'd know a higher power had gotten them back! Until then, stop being a vagina-less douche and Learn To Park, Jerk!

POST #100

2008-11-05T13:59:00.003-07:00

Reader submitted. Congrats on being the 100th post! You don't get anything but bragging rights but hey! If you're a social outcast who likes taking pictures of parked cars, that's probably pretty damn cool anyway!

When Grandma died and left you your inheritance, she left strict instructions to use the money to better your life. So what did you do?

You bought a Dodge Intrepid.

You didn't go back to school to get your GED.

You didn't do something about your messed up donkey teeth.

You didn't even look into getting your second testicle surgically descended.

Nope.

You bought a used sports car.

Maybe you should have bought a used 70's Volkswagen Beetle and used the rest of the money to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Crooked, Clueless But Not Odorless

2008-11-04T12:27:00.005-07:00

Reader submitted! Thanks for the shot! But maybe next time, use a flash or whip out a lighter to shed a little light on the picture!

Had to brighten the picture to show what exactly the problem was here. Thanks to the power of modern technology and an overpriced version of Photoshop, we discover what evil lurks in the dark. A poorly parked Fuckimus Faceus!

Parked on an angle. Taking up two spaces. And probably has a dashboard covered in cigarette burns and boogers. Typical rural Albertan!

Lookee here, Zeke! Thanks for bringing your wheat money and tainted beef coinage into our bustling city to buy the latest plaid and flannel fashions. But if you want to be taken seriously, smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Too Damn Nosey!

2008-11-03T11:47:00.002-07:00

Reader submitted! Thanks for snapping this from the safety of your Pope-mobile.

So what kind of person parks so far into a stall that the front of their vehicle penetrates the stall on the other side?

(1) Child molesters
(2) Lepers
(3) Gang Rapists
(4) STD Carriers
(5) Fucking Idiots

Do you also park your vehicle with the front of it smashed through the back of your garage? No? Then you must have some concept of where the front of your vehicle is. Take a moment and back up next time. Something your Daddy should have done before laying down with your Momma!

Smarten up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Like Night and Day

2008-10-31T16:02:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for fighting fire with ire! That's right. Ire! I'm more than just a pretty face, you know!

These were taken at a reader's residential complex. Proof that people park like assholes at home too.

People can make citizen arrests. I think they should make a car boot that anyone could buy at Walmart so people could make citizen tow aways! Boot some jerk ass like this and call up a towing company to haul it away. Maybe that'll be my next step. Invent the Everyday Boot Up Your Ass!

Until that time, stay in your own fucking stall, jerk ass! Stay off the handicap parking! And Learn To Park, Jerk!

And Now Something Completely Different

2008-10-30T11:18:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted. And with a new parking issue we haven't covered before. Way to be a parking lot pioneer!

I know what you're thinking. What's the problem with this picture? Yeah, the stalls are a tad small and it might be hard getting in and out of your vehicle. But what gives?

I have to admit, I didn't get the problem at first. Maybe this next picture will help.

Do you see it? No? Yeah, I didn't either. Until I re-read their e-mail to me.

"I took my Daughter to Superstore South Common today to see if we could get some Halloween treats. So I parked fairly far from the door to avoid being parked to close to. No one was around me at that time.
When we came out about 45 min later, surprise surprise... there were two people parked right by me...Why do people insist on parking right next to a car when there are at least 20 other vacant spots!?!"

You know what? You're right. This has happened to me too. And not just in parking lots but at the movies too! I'll pick some out of the way seat at the theatre yet no matter where I sit, some lard ass ALWAYS plops down in front of me. And we're not talking crowded theatres here. I'm talking about the discount ones where maybe 10 people are there at any given time. What the fuck?

So, while this isn't as bad as taking up two spaces, it's still a mystery. Why do people feel the need to park near other vehicles? Get a set of balls and park away from the herd, morons!

So, to anyone who feels they just MUST park near another vehicle even though the lot is empty, I say: Get over your OCD and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Gray, Gay, And From Far Away

2008-10-30T10:47:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for NARCing!

Once upon a time Farmer Zeke was cruising the streets of Saskatoon for a little underage poontang when he gets a text message from his 12 year old Yahoo Messenger pal who goes by the name of YngBoi_4_oldr.

Not one to pass up father/son sex play, he rushes off to Edmonton to give some lucky lad a size 5 poop chute. When he arrives, he realizes he'll need "protection" as his wife warned him to stop coming home smelling like twink ass and semen.

So maybe this picture is of Zeke's truck. Who's to say? If it is, it's a great memento of a happier time...before syphilis claimed his left nut and left the other one to die of loneliness.

Point is, this guy is parked like a socially retarded howler monkey tripping on a gram of prime California peyote.

My advice? Lay off the drugs. Lay off the pre-teen boy ass. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Escalade Escapade

2008-10-30T10:34:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted. Who doesn't love other people doing your work? Thank you!!!

Whenever I see an Escalade, I expect to see it full of rapper wannabes "rolling 4 deep", popping "caps" in "asses". But according to the person who took this picture, it's owner (or the person who jacked it) is a fat balding white guy. So, in other words, a rapper manager wannabe.

And you know what? That describes pretty much all the folks who park like idiots in Alberta. Fat, lazy, corn fed human pigs that are too lazy to park like a normal person.

But I digress. Slant parking across two stalls makes you Dumb Fuck Of The Day! And now your fat ass family can finally be proud of you and your Pimp-Mobile! Score!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Crossing The Line

2008-10-23T15:43:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for whipping ass anonymously!

Sometimes when you park, it's hard to tell where exactly the front of your car falls. Sure, it's still annoying to see another car with the tip of their nose in your parking area but this? This is a sure sign that we have to curb all the inbreeding that takes place in Alberta.

Only some deformed, half blind, hillbilly baby with crooked teeth and a lisp could possibly be so stupid as to park like this. When tires start crossing the front of your parking stall, you know you're special. And that's why we have specific schools and buses dedicated to your type.

So get a new helmet. Sell your car to someone deserving. Hop on the train to Special Town and let the drooling begin.

Or just Learn To Park, Jerk!

Ode To A Dodge Ram Owner

2008-10-20T12:53:00.002-06:00

You're a dumb old coot
With a big red truck
You can't park like that
Come on. What the fuck?

Who the Hell are you
To park like a prick?
You take up two spots
'Cause you have no dick.

So, to you? A wish
That I hope will work
Stop being an ass
And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Silverado Bravado?

2008-10-16T14:58:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for being able to point and click a camera!

It's hard to tell but this looks like a Silverado. For all the parked vehicles I chase, I've not become a "car scientist" so I can't pick one from the other out from a crowd. It's what's kept me from joining the Police force or the local car thieves guild.

Whatever it is, it's parked poorly. Encroaching on the right hand parking space. A crying shame. Not only because it's a waste of a space but because it's sad to see so many stupid people all on one planet.

To myself, I say Learn Your Friggin' Vehicles, Moron!

To him, I say Learn To Park, Jerk!

Horrible Cycle

2008-10-15T09:09:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for being a photographic bad ass!

Say, Mr. Motorcycle Rider, do you need a Motor Vehicle license to operate that thing?

You do?

And do you need insurance to drive that hunk of pasted together plastic?

Affirmative?

Wow. So that means you're driving a motor vehicle. Then what makes you so special that you don't have to use the parking lot?

Oh! Because your child sized bike fits on the sidewalk. I see.

Listen up, asshole. A SMART car also fits on the sidewalk. Should they get to park there too?

Park in a parking stall like everyone else, you pompous douche!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Superstore Parking Whore

2008-10-14T11:19:00.002-06:00

If you missed the last post that talked about the child molester's rusty white van, here's a second chance to see it off to the right. While he's still a douche, the truck further ahead of him is a bona fide ass lick.

Like his wife, his truck is double wide. And so he thinks he can take double the parking spaces. While I'm sure it's just to keep his lard filled wife from denting the doors of nearby vehicles should she slip out of the cab of the truck and cause a 2.9 earthquake, the fact remains that he's taking up two spaces like a chubby chasing dick smack!

Get your over inflated spouse on a low carb diet and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Suck It, Rust Bucket!

2008-10-10T15:15:00.002-06:00

The infamous white van. Ride of choice for child abductors and animal molesters. And it looks like this bad boy has been around the block, no pun intended.

If you're going to be touching children inappropriately and buggering small dogs, you should really stop drawing attention to yourself by parking like a retard.

Do your profession/lifestyle a favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Subarude!

2008-10-09T11:10:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for being the Batman of handicapped parking spaces!

What do you get when you mix a fancy schmancy sports car with handicap parking? Either a gimpy guy with a good lawyer or some dick smack who deserves an old fashioned stoning.

Even if this person is crippled beyond belief and has to use two midgets to operate the gas and brake pedals, what is up with this park job? Did we start giving the blind licenses? What's next? Giving pedophiles daycare jobs?

Get a clue, ass munch. Stop being such a drain on humanity and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Move Your Van, Man!

2008-10-08T13:31:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted! Thanks for catching one of Edmonton's dumbest at their best!

Why is the world's economy starting to crumble? Because of people like this. People who only think of themselves.

"Ooooooo, I'd better take up two parking spaces before the lot starts to fill up. This way, my rental van will be returned to the welfare depot in pristine condition. I just wish I knew how to get my family's cat urine stench out of the upholstery."

Wake up, ass twin. You aren't the only person who uses a parking lot. You ARE the only person to marry your daughter after she's given birth to your grandchild, though. Guess you have SOMETHING going for you!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

BEZZY: see URBAN DICTIONARY

2008-09-23T11:37:00.002-06:00

Sometimes folks make my job here too easy. In this case, it's the lame ass driver who has made this posting much simpler.

How?

BEZZY is slang for "bitch". It also describes a girl as "a slut; stupid; a whore".

Well, that pretty much describes this parker to a tee. And we all know my feelings on vanity plates. Makes morons like this easier to spot in public.

So, BEZZY...what can I say that you haven't already? Except Learn To Park, Jerk!

Vanity Jackoff

2008-09-18T15:55:00.006-06:00

You've got to love vanity plates. Makes assholes like this easier to identify in the real world.

You wanted to stand out. With a park job like that, how could you not?

And you thought we'd all judge you by your big ears, elephant like nose and horrendous back acne. Pffft!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Mitsubishi - Japanese For Douchebag

2008-09-18T15:55:00.004-06:00

While there are two vehicles parked like complete and total idiots, it all starts with the sporty penis extension on the right.

Simply stated, what the hell were you thinking? You are just about the most ignorant asshole this website has seen. And although the van next to you also parked like an idiot, I'm so glad he did. And I sincerely hope he had a passenger who dinged the hell out of your vehicle.

You are the reasons hamsters eat their young and women turn gay.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Typical Albertan Truck Owner

2008-09-17T15:05:00.002-06:00

We're seeing it here almost daily. Truck owners who just dump their truck in any old position in a parking lot. These are probably the same guys who hire hookers and leave them for dead on abandoned country roads.

If you can't park your vehicle correctly, you shouldn't be driving it. Just like if you can't satisfy your woman, you shouldn't driving that either.

My advice to you? Buy a hatchback. Get a fat ugly chick with low standards. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Smart Like Screen Door On Submarine

2008-09-16T12:39:00.002-06:00

It's looking like if you drive a Sierra, you're probably dumber than a piece of horse shit run over and sun baked on the side of a country road. Not that they aren't a quality truck but, rather, based on the number of bad parkers who drive them.

Like this fucking idiot. He turns the corner to get into the spot and, instead of straightening himself out, just leaves things as is. If he had a passenger (like some fat bitch named Buella or an obese gay life partner named Andy), she/he undoubtedly dinged the car next to his.

It's folks like this that need a shotgun blast to the face and a porcupine shoved up their ass. And what the hell! Why not throw in a really nasty paper cut too!

When you're rotting in Hell and having a red hot poker slammed into your ass every hour on the hour, remember this is partially why you're there. I know. You'll probably enjoy it at first. Who wouldn't? But it'll get to you over time.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Cause and Affect (Yes...AFFECT!)

2008-09-15T12:59:00.003-06:00

A nice demonstration of how one waste of oxygen can turn someone else into a total jizz stain of a parker.

See the car on the far right? He's crowding the line of his parking spot. That alone makes him worth less than a homeless woman's three month old tampon covered in lint. But because of their thoughtless action, the car next to him (either subconsciously or otherwise) has parked like a total ass lick.

Two wrongs don't make a right. So, to the both of you, pull your heads out of your asses...or each other's asses...and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Sierra Club You Upside The Head

2008-09-12T12:12:00.002-06:00

Another Sierra parked by a passenger of the short school bus. Obviously, a person like this has the inability to finish things. I'll bet their house is full of unfinished projects.

Model airplanes half built.

Partially built wooden shelves in the workshop.

The wife still on her back waiting for this dick-less wonder to "finish the job" like a real man.

And now? A truck that hasn't been pulled fully into its allotted space. Shameful.

Cowboy up, hillbilly, and finish something for once in your life. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

My-Yi-Yi Corolla (Is Parked Incorrectly)

2008-09-11T08:54:00.002-06:00

What can we deduce from this picture?

(1) This person has an ass big enough to require it's own area code, hence the reason they left so much space on the driver's side.

(2) They're lonely and alone. You'd think if they had a passenger or ANYONE who could stand to spend even one second with them, they'd leave them some room to get out on the passenger side should someone park next to them.

(3) They'll be first against the wall when the revolution starts. The New World Order has no room for asshole parkers, looters or finger sniffers.

So do yourself a favor for now and the future and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Minneapolis Motherf***ker

2008-09-09T08:58:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted from the Minneapolis airport. Way to keep the Twin Cities on it's toes!

This is another first. Parking in an area that's not even a parking spot. This is a great example of douche-baggery at it's best.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this vehicle belongs to a senior. A senior who plays a LOT of shuffle board. And when he saw those horizontal lines, he slammed the car into neutral and glided into his final resting place. Score!

My second guess is that this car belongs to a Grade A fuck nut who couldn't be bothered to search around for an open space. Listen pal. We all hate going to the airport. It's busy. It's crowded. It smells like foreign ass on the best of days. But the world doesn't revolve around you. So smarten the fuck up before someone pistol whips you in the men's room. And by pistol, I mean penis.

By the way, although the world doesn't revolve around you, feel free to rotate on my middle finger. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Short Hiatus

2008-09-03T02:20:00.002-06:00

Just to update you all...I'm in the process of moving and will be without high speed internet access for the next few days. But keep on sending in your photos. I've already received a bunch over the long weekend and they will be posted next week. Thanks for contributing.

Since you're in such a giving mood, feel free to send large wads of cash to pay for my stupidly inconvenient move. That's the last time I bet my house on red 30. Long story short? Roulette is gay.

So, instead of you checking the site everyday and getting pissed that I haven't done sweet fuck all on the site, you can take a short breather and start coming back on September 8th. That's when I'll have spliced the neighbors cable and hijacked his steady flow of animal porn.

Mustang Sally Dilly Dally!

2008-08-29T13:21:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted! Not sure where you're from or any details about this pic. You truly are a parking lot ninja!

I would like to assume that this pecker head is handicapped in some way at the very least. Because if not, they're the Tri-fecta of Asshole-dom!

(1) Strike one would be not being handicapped but parking in their spaces.

(2) Strike two would be taking up TWO handicap spaces! That alone warrants anal rape with a cactus!

(3) Strike three would be driving a Silver Mustang. What? Are you trying to be the Lone Ranger? Do you wear a raccoon mask and boss Native Americans around too? I'll bet you do! Douche!

No matter the situation, you're parked like a Royal Cocksucker!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Sierra Missed It By That Much

2008-08-28T10:56:00.002-06:00

Say, hillbilly! That's a mighty fine truck you have. And *sniff* *sniff*. Is that Eau de Daughter's Vagina on your upper lip? Wow. It's soooooo you!

I can't help but notice you parked on an angle, thereby taking up 2 parking spaces.

What's that? You don't know what "thereby" means? Oh. And I'm using too many big words?

Well, let me sum it all up for you so you can head back to the canola fields and sodomize your nephews Huey, Dewey and Lewey.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

3 from B.C. Part 3

2008-08-27T10:50:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted from B.C. No commentary from him as he felt it's pretty self explanatory. Won't stop me from sounding off though!

Backing up a vehicle into a parking spot takes a bit of skill. And it should have been one of the first things you learn when driving a car. Apparently THIS driver got his license from a box of Cracker Jacks and never had to learn how to do things properly.

It's probably why his wife gets "orally administered" to by a 17 year old box boy from the local Safeway. It's a fact. Can't back up a car? Then you can't eat box correctly.

True story.

So do your wife a favor, pencil dick, and Learn To Park, Jerk!

3 from B.C. Part 2

2008-08-26T08:58:00.002-06:00

Part two of a reader submission from British Columbia. He even supplied the italicized commentary. He's the Swiss Army Knife of online submissions!

B.C. guy says: This dumbass, as you can see, is parked on a side strip (on the opposite side of the same parking lot as the previous pic). What is fascinating is this was taken about an hour after I saw her pull into the spot, right behind a truck, nearly touching it's bumper in the process. There is no parking space behind her, so technically she could park further back over the yellow line a bit, but she leaves enough room back there for a Smart car to fit in! I was in a rush during the first sighting, otherwise I would have caught video!

Having your nose or rear extended over a parking line is bad enough, but front tires too? That qualifies you for Gunt Of The Year! Why? Because you're obviously used to having excess baggage hanging over the front of everything you do.

But what am I thinking? Let me translate that for you into your native tongue:

Moooooooooooooooooo!

Two tidbits of advice: (1) smarten the fuck up! and (2) Learn To Park, Jerk!

3 from B.C. Part 1

2008-08-25T10:23:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted from British Columbia. He even supplied his own commentary. Pretty soon, you guys will want to post directly to the site and cut me out completely. You ungrateful bastards!

B.C. guy says: This guy left only a few inches on either side of him. He's parked closer to the white car than is apparent. I was about to take another shot from the backside, but somebody (owner?) came strolling toward the vehicle by that point. Good thing he didn't see me!

Good thing indeed. This reader is a level 10 ninja master with a hair trigger temper. I pity the poor bastard who tries to stop him from taking pictures of bad parkers or honey bees. Ker-POW!

To the owner of the metallic diarrhea brown truck above: get a clue, queef. And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Save On More Parking Whore

2008-08-22T08:46:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Taken from your vehicle, I see. Smart move. Keeps the risk of an ass kicking to a minimum.

Let's see here. You have a piece of shit truck worth...what? 50 bucks in scrap metal? You obviously weren't parking so no one would ding your doors. If anything, people wouldn't want to park next to you anyways, just in case the twist ties holding your antique chariot gave way.

You may just be blind judging from the mismatched parts on your crud mobile. But even a blind person would try and pull in straight to escape notice.

No, you're just a bag of wet monkey shit who thinks he's owed the world just because you had to repeat the 1st grade 6 times. It's probably all that time spent around kids that made you the pedophile corn holing fuck nut you are today.

Do the world a favor now that it's given YOU so much. Either deep throat the barrel of a shotgun and inhale deeply or Learn To Park, Jerk!

More Crooked Than A Politician

2008-08-21T09:08:00.003-06:00

Just because your woman is...how to say this nicely...rotund (for the layman, that means you've got a fat bitch) and you have to enter her sideways in order for her to feel anything at all DOESN'T mean you should do the same thing with a parking stall.

For one, it's probably not as wide as your woman's poonany.

Secondly, it publicly shows just how stupid you are; making you a target for scammers, high interest credit card companies and good old fashion ass whuppings!

My professional recommendation? Learn To Park, Jerk!

I'd Shoot Lincoln Too!

2008-08-20T11:43:00.002-06:00

How ironic that this vehicle is a "Navigator". Looks like this guy couldn't maneuver his way out of his boyfriend's ass with a jar of lube and a shoe horn.

I mean, come on! How much skill do you need to park your vehicle BETWEEN the lines? Look at the other cars around you. They seemed to be able to do it. Why couldn't you? Did centuries of your family's inbreeding finally wipe out all semblance of intelligence? Can you not work the steering wheel effectively with your flippers? Did you think your cruise control was some sort of auto pilot that would park your car?

Listen, Jethro. When you're visiting our province, do yourself and everyone else a favor and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Come On Now!

2008-08-19T11:14:00.002-06:00

Short and sweet:

It's folks like this that give the kids on the short school bus a bad name.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Corporate Shenanigans

2008-08-18T09:41:00.003-06:00

First off, let me tell you one brand of water I shan't be soaking my sweaty testicles in: Glaceau Vitamin Water. And it's all because their demo staff haven't got a clue about how to park their trailer.

Granted, it's a tricky situation. And, more than likely, I'd post their picture no matter how they parked because I guarantee they still be violating some unwritten parking lot rule. But sticking your ass end out well beyond the limit of your parking stall? Idiocy!

My suggestion to Mr. Fancy Hose Water Man? Learn To Park, Jerk!

By the way, if you're a fancy water company that knows how to park and wants the honor of being the official Ball Soaking Liquid of Learn To Park, Jerk, feel free to contact me via the e-mail address at the bottom of this page. We're always willing to give free advertising in exchange for keeping our boys cool!

IKEA - Swedish for "Parks Like A Jackass"

2008-08-15T09:25:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Even the title was supplied. My life just keeps getting easier and easier!

Hey jerk off! Put THIS together: what happens when you take up four parking spaces at a busy shopping complex in 2008?

Answer: Thanks to modern technology, you get your picture taken and posted online for the whole world to see within 24 hours. And thanks to karma and "wishful thinking" by some of our more vengeful readers, you'll probably be anally raped with a porcupine dildo by the end of the weekend.

So, on behalf of everyone who had to park even further from IKEA thanks to you, a mighty FUCK YOU and a Learn To Park, Jerk!

Extend-A-Jerk

2008-08-14T12:07:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for helping flip the virtual bird to bad parkers!

You're at work hauling equipment to the next job site when RING RING!!! It's the wife calling. She feels bloated, the dog's driving her crazy and she's only got enough feminine products to last until supper. You know that if you don't haul ass to the nearest drug store and pick up a 24 pack of O.B's, a four pack of paper towels and a pint of Cherry Garcia, you're ass is sleeping in the garage until the second coming of Jesus.

So you pull into the nearest parking lot and damn near abandon your vehicle in any old fashion to get what your water retaining Queen is asking for. And who would possibly care that you take up 6 or 7 parking spots in the process?

Well, I guess now we know. So, while I'm glad you kept your wife from turning your white suede sofa into a biological copy of the Canadian flag, you pissed off enough people to get you featured on the site.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Stuck In The Middle With Screw You!

2008-08-13T09:07:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting more humps than an Arab with a smooth stick and a fleet of camels!!!

It's becoming an age old story. Boy meets car. Boy loves car. Boy buys car. Boy tries to park car but retard with a truck is crowding the last parking spot in the lot. So Boy gets key and gouges the hell out of Forrest Gump-mobile and initiates a Chicken Blood Voodoo Curse.

Happens every day. For real.

We need a parking lot vigilante. Someone to wear tights, a cape and a mask who will pee on hoods and take a taco induced dump in the back of trucks. And, if time permits, leave a well worded note telling them to smarten the fuck up.

Until then, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pair of Dorks Part 2

2008-08-08T11:16:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted. And what a doozy!

Here we have a local business representative with his name plastered all over his van. Parking like a jack ass in your vehicle is somewhat anonymous. But parking like a Mongoloid Mutant Wiener Sniffer in a vehicle that readily identifies you is just plain stupid.

What the hell were you thinking? Are you this stupid when it comes to your trade? Do I dare turn on a light after you've fiddled around with it? Plainly, you lack common sense, proper etiquette and underarm deodorant (just a guess on that last point).

Long story short, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pair of Dorks Part 1

2008-08-06T08:55:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting these jack holes!

My, oh my! Two bad parkers side by side. Today, we'll focus on the car and leave the van for tomorrow. Why overload on the fun and leave ourselves spent? If I wanted to do that, I'd rub one out before my morning coffee.

I just don't understand why people can't park properly between the lines. I mean, they're bright yellow. They're universal. It's not like it's a new system the world has implemented and it's taking awhile to catch on. It's a fucking parking lot!

Just throwing out a theory here: Bad parkers make bad lovers.

For the guys who can't seem to settle in between the lines, I picture you blindly stabbing your pork sword forward against some poor woman's (or guys) inner legs for hours, trying to get it in.

And the ladies who park like crap? I picture more than one of you with an eye patch; having had your ocular socket skewered by throbbing man meat when you couldn't line yourself up for a proper BJ.

Am I wrong? Am I right? Who gives a shit! You're a fucking idiot! Learn To Park, Jerk!

Saskatchewanna Park Like That For?

2008-08-05T09:18:00.003-06:00

The three most common lies in Western Canada are:

(1) I left my wallet in my other pants.

(2) I'll call you right back.

(3) I'll only stick it in a little ways.

Well, this parking space rapist has stuck it in a little ways and, let me tell you, it doesn't feel very good. Maybe this sort of thing flies in Saskatchewan when you aren't busy "husking the corn cob" but here in Alberta, well, we do the same damn thing. But we do it without all the produce up our asses.

Nevertheless, you've been busted. So smarten the hell up and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Pick Up And Get On Your Own Damn Side

2008-08-04T14:15:00.002-06:00

So, what are you thinking when you see a patch of empty parking spaces, jack ass? Do you think "Wow, I must be the only person in the city shopping today. And since no one else will be using any of these luxurious parking spaces, I'm going to take as many as I can! I'm King of the Fucking World!"?

I'll bet you're also the kind of person who always "Takes A Penny" because they're free, samples/steals candy from the bulk bins at the grocery store and uses your room mates socks to clean up your "solo love life spill overs".

Stop being such a waste of oxygen and Learn To Park, Jerk!

4 Wheels Goooooood, 6 Wheels Baaaaaaaad

2008-08-01T10:44:00.002-06:00

"My truck has an extra wide wheel base and yellow flashy lights over top. Obviously, I'm the next best thing to Jesus Christ and flavored condoms, so I think I'll just park like a dick smack and take up AT LEAST three spaces with my uber sweet truck. Suck it!"

On behalf of everyone who finds this even a fraction as annoying as I do, fuck you. Fuck your truck. And fuck your lack of common decency.

And Learn To Park, Jerk!

Gimmie Room, Zoom Zoom

2008-07-31T09:03:00.002-06:00

So...what the hell's going on here? What would make a person pull into a spot like this? And why do they think it's OK to park over the line into someone else's parking spot?

Was your mother raped by a retarded monkey and you're the distilled DNA left over from a botched abortion? Did your deadbeat father juggle you, a ball-peen hammer and a bowling ball, only to drop you on your head as a child? Are you just this fucking stupid?

I dream of the day that the lines on parking spaces emit a laser from them and sheer off anything parked over them like this.

Until that day, Learn To Park, Jerk!

Sawmill Butt

2008-07-29T09:59:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for the contribution and blatantly free advertising of the Sawmill!

Look, buddy. I know it's rare to find a parking spot in front of your favorite restaurant that isn't reserved for the handicapped (those lucky SOB's). But did you have to park over the line into the handicap parking space? Was it a race to get that spot in the first place? Was it a social commentary? Are you just that stupid?

Might I suggest you (A) have a little consideration for someone other than yourself for once in your life and (B) Learn To Park, Jerk!

Right Before Your Eyes...

2008-07-28T16:27:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted! Thanks for pointing out the douche bag of all douche bags!

What you're seeing is the result of a mid-life crisis. This "penis-on-wheels" is the reason this website was made.

Some aging old fart who never thought to try Enzyte or Viagra decides to buy an overpriced sports car to try and recapture his youth. In doing so, his brain regresses to an infantile state and thinks it's OK to park on a slant so no one will touch his precious baby.

What do we say to fuck faces like this?

"IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR CAR, LEAVE IT THE FUCK AT HOME!"

And what else do we say?

LEARN TO PARK, JERK!

Short Bus Ain't Short Enough!

2008-07-21T16:37:00.002-06:00

Don't get me wrong. I'm all in favor of the DATS bus! Just the fact that these guys and gals are out there helping the disabled live a normal life makes them OK in my book. However...

Did you have to park in four parking spaces in the middle of a fairly busy parking lot? I'm sorry, but buses, big rigs and anything over sized should be parking on the outskirts. While I'm sure you were just running in and out of a local business, you potentially ruined the day for three other folks looking to park close to wherever they were doing business.

So, as much as it pains me to say this, I think you should Learn To Park, Jerk!

Other than that, keep up the great work! I do appreciate what you do!

Except the whole parking thing this time. That wasn't cool.

(You know, you could definitely get away with parking in the handicap spaces. Just an FYI for you.)

Lincoln: Ass Kisser Extraordinaire

2008-07-18T12:36:00.004-06:00

Now here's a real son of a bitch. Not only does he park forward over the line but he's pressed against the rear bumper of the car in front of him. And there's no way he didn't know he hit the car in front of him.

It's people like this that deserve to have their car vandalized. They obviously have no respect for anyone else's property.

My guess is that this is a little old lady who could barely see over the steering wheel and relies on feeling the BUMP to let her know when to take her foot off the gas.

Whatever the case, you need to be taken off the road NOW! And you also need to Learn To Park, Jerk!

Nova Scotia Faux Pas

2008-07-17T09:47:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted from Nova Scotia. Thanks for taking time away from fishing/processing lumber/making bootleg Screech (and taking jobs away from Newfoundlanders) to lend a hand!

Hoo boy. A real controversial shot here. What we have is a Police car parked across a handicap parking space.

"Well, the Police can park anywhere they want. Maybe they were responding to an emergency. MAYBE THEY WERE SAVING SOMEONE'S LIFE!"

Fair enough. And I agree. I personally have no problem with haphazard parking while the Boys in Blue are on the job. But look at this from a handicapped person's standpoint.

Here they are, struggling to get where they're going in their specially adapted vehicle, using a broom handle to power the gas pedal while trying to steer with their one free hook. They finally get to their destination only to find a Police cruiser taking up the ONE space intended to make their life just a tad more bearable.

So, tell me, would YOU care why the Police were parked like that? Probably not. You'd be shaking that broomstick out the driver side window and cursing like a Tourettes Syndrome sufferer on a sugar high!

So, as a fair compromise, I won't label this with my trademark phrase and call these guys jerks. But I stand by busting them on this.

Busted!

Douchebagus Familiarus

2008-07-16T16:50:00.002-06:00

What the hell is going on here? What kind of cow ass rimming pickle fucker parks their car across 5 spaces? He even sat in his vehicle for a long time admiring his work.

"Oh yeah. I'm the biggest douche bag in all of Edmonton. Maybe even in all of Alberta. Next time I'll wear my wife's panties and celebrate my douchiness with two hands."

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Happy 50th Posting, Jerk!

2008-07-15T15:01:00.002-06:00

That's right! We've made it to 50 posts. We've busted 50 people so far that have no clue how to park a vehicle! And what does that mean in the grand scheme of things?

Not a whole hell of a lot, sir. No a whole hell of a lot. We haven't even scratched the surface of stupidity in Edmonton, let alone the whole world! So let's just get back to it, shall we?

Why do trucks owners have such a hard time parking? I've owned a truck. I had no trouble parking it. I'm far from a model driver but if I can do it, pretty much anyone can. So, really, the blame lies on the parents of the offensive parker.

That's right. Their parents. They obviously didn't instill any civility into their illegitimate hell spawn and teach them to be aware of other people around them. Why, it wouldn't surprise me to find out a large portion of these bad parkers are, in reality, child molesters, rapists and lawyers.

So, you line hugging bastard child of a vaginal discharge gone horribly wrong, do what your Momma should have done years ago and Learn To Park, Jerk!

From Beautiful Wainwright

2008-07-14T09:40:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for busting a bad parking chowder head! Alberta is now 0.001% a better place!

As the Bad Parking Virus spreads across Alberta, we're taken to the town of Wainwright, home to one of Canada's many military bases located in the middle of Butt Screw Nowhere. (I heard they were going to put one in Rita McNeil's vagina but initial surveyors never returned from the abyss.)

Anyway, along comes some fancy pants from Saskatchewan and starts drawing attention to the town by parking like a complete piece of used ass wipe. If it hadn't gone out of style years ago, I'd say this guy would be a prime candidate for tar and feathering. At the very least, a trimming of his mullet and a punch in the crotch by a 7 year old with Elephantiasis of the fist.

Welcome to Alberta! Now Learn To Park, Jerk!

Big Rig Frig

2008-07-11T15:49:00.003-06:00

This one is a touchy subject.

Yes, big rig cabs are large. And yes, they're going to take up more than one spot.

But look.

When you're looking to kill a few hours in town by having adolescent teens give you hand jobs in the sleeper of your truck, try to park so you're not so noticeable. Try parking on the edge of the parking lot, not in the middle. And maybe don't take up 8 spaces while you're at it.

I know that's probably part of the thrill: a 14 year olds thumb up your ass AND hogging more than your fair share of parking spaces. But come on now!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Excuse Me, Ma'am, But You've Got BACK!

2008-07-11T15:18:00.005-06:00

Reader submitted! Thanks for joining the Parking Lot Nazi Party! (No offense if you're Jewish or a distant relative of Ava Braun. We aren't really Nazis. We feel all races are equally stupid when it comes to bad parking, highway driving and bartering with escorts.)

I'll bet the people who park like this popcorn fart also used to go out on Hallowe'en with a Unicef box, scam the neighbors for loose change then kept it for themselves. I mean hey! The opportunity was there so why not take it, right?

Same goes for parking lots. Hey, no one was using those two spaces, so why not take them both with one vehicle?

Ya jackass.

So, Mr. or Mrs. Alleged Unicef scam artist...Learn To Park, Jerk!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Duty!

2008-07-09T16:21:00.003-06:00

Ooooo, everyone bow down to Super Duty!

Super Duty deserves to park like a complete asshole. He burns gas at twice the rate of most vehicles. He's able to transport illegal Mexican workers up north in a U-Haul trailer in groups of 100. And the mighty Super Duty just looks so cool cruising the east end of Edmonton in search of underage poontang.

So when you see Super Duty on the streets or taking up all the parking spaces, avert your eyes. You just aren't worthy!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Wide Ride!

2008-07-08T15:16:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted. Thanks for helping make the world...well...the same place it already is. But now with one more picture of it!

So you like to load up the old truck with your portly kin folk and head on out to the big city to spend some of that hard earned recycling money. Good for you.

And since your family is slightly large around the mid section, it makes sense you bought a vehicle that can take the sort of punishment daily that driving the obese causes.

But uh-oh! It doesn't seem to fit inside the lines of a regular parking space. Or at least you can't seem to make it fit inside the lines. But that's OK. You couldn't color inside the lines in kindergarten either. And when you dropped out in grade 7 because you just couldn't figure out how to keep all that loose leaf inside your 3 ring binder, well, that was OK too!

Because look at you now! You're a parking lot jerk!

And the world said you would never amount to anything. HA!

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Whatcha Doin' There, Scooter?

2008-07-07T14:07:00.002-06:00

A lot of folks won't see anything wrong with this. It's a scooter parked in the spot beneath a stairwell in a parking garage.

Now, scooters are a licensed motor vehicle. They're registered with the DMV and have to obey the same rules of the road as grown up vehicles. The same is true for parking lots. Just because something CAN fit into an area doesn't mean it SHOULD go in there. If that line of thinking were true, there'd be a LOT more anal sex happening in the world today (except where prohibited by law).

Yes, scooters are a target for morons looking to raise hell in parking garages and tip things over. And yes, it looks ridiculous seeing one wee little scooter taking up a full parking space. But you DID buy the damn thing and agree to treat it like a regular vehicle. So learn to park it like one.

Personally, I blame parking lot developers for not making specific spaces for motorcycles. While I'm sure that's a headache in itself, it would be appreciated by the two wheeled community.

My real problem with this scooter parked here? He's parked in the spot where I take crack whores to fornicate with. You bastard!

So Learn To Park, Jerk!

Down By The Bay

2008-07-07T13:57:00.004-06:00

douche bag

noun

– a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas

-a person who takes up 4 parking spaces with one vehicle

Learn To Park, Jerk...errr... douche bag!

The Infection Is Speading

2008-07-04T13:19:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted. Your soul will receive special favor in the after life. (I really have no authorization to grant such a thing but hey! Maybe I do and you'll just have to wait until you die to find out. Either way, thanks for the photo!)

Well kiddies, here's another Learn To Park, Jerk first! A photo all the way from Victoria, BC! We're now national!!! And what's that mean? Nothing, really, except that I've increased the range of people who'll now hate me. I'm the freakin' George Bush of websites!!!

Sadly, I thought we could contain the outbreak of stupidity and parking lot retardation to just Alberta but someone must have slipped past the border. And what did they do first? They bought a van and took up two parking spaces like a royal jackass.

Look, ass face, there ain't nothing special about you, your van or your fat ass kids who, granted, probably require more room than a fleet of Volkswagen Beetles. If you really need more room to offload them at the local Baskin Robbins, consider applying for handicap parking or buying a dump truck so you can let them ooze off the back.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Straddle This!

2008-07-03T09:37:00.002-06:00

New theory: maybe folks who park as stupid as this jackass are new to driving vehicles with four wheels. I mean, if he were driving a motorcycle, he's be dead center of the parking spot.

Maybe. But the good money is on them just being an oblivious bag of monkey shit.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

A Common Story

2008-07-02T10:09:00.003-06:00

We've all been there.

You call your local Little Caesars and ask for delivery of a large stuffed crust pizza with Crazy Bread, only to have them tell you they don't deliver on this specific day. Something about being too busy planning a Jihad or some craziness like that.

No matter. You have your Mom's vehicle just going to waste in the garage. So you pop a couple of Pop Tarts into the toaster and run out to the car to see if you can be back from picking up your order before they're done.

En route to Little Caesars, you remember the mechanism that pops your toast back up hasn't been working for a year and you now face a real risk of burning your house down. It wouldn't be so bad but you've been storing a bale of marijuana under your bed for a friend while he's away in Cuba muling cocaine in his rectum and you know he'll be pissed if his retirement fund gets wrecked.

So you drive like a maniac into the parking lot of the pizza joint and park in the first available spot(s) you see. Screw parking close or properly. Money is at stake here!

And, well, so the story goes.

Look dinkus. It's not that hard to park BETWEEN the lines and not ON them. Even when your stash is at risk.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Visitor From Planet D'uh

2008-07-01T10:31:00.004-06:00

Reader submitted! Thanks for the keen eye, laser fast photo taking skills and ability to use e-mail!

Happy Canada Day, folks! Help me welcome a whole crap load of visitors to our fine city as they eat our food, screw our women and take up two of our parking spaces at a time.

The first two, I don't mind. The food, they have to pay for. The women, they probably have to pay for as well. It's the taking two parking spaces for one shit kicker of a vehicle that I have a problem with.

I know they're just doing it to blend in with the surroundings and draw less attention to themselves since this city seems built on dildos that don't know how to park, but it obviously isn't working.

You're on notice, Cletus. Just head back to the farm, sodomized a few more goats and Learn To Park, Jerk!

Don't Know Jack In Fort Mac

2008-06-30T09:12:00.002-06:00

Reader submitted from Fort McMurray, AB. Thanks for the mighty fine pic!

So here's another first: I'm almost defending this bad parkers actions.

Almost.

If you look to the far left of the picture, you see another bone head hugging the line of his stall. In light of that, I almost understand why this guy had to park like a complete jackass.

What wins him a spot is the fact that the extra stall this guy is mooching is blocked off by a traffic cone.

Dude, the edge of the cone doesn't denote the edge of the space needed. It means the whole space is reserved. If you had been a line hugger as well and not put a third of your hill billy mobile over the line, you probably could have gotten away with this. But you got greedy and now look at you: featured on a stupid website like this.

It's almost as embarrassing as getting caught touching yourself in a woman's lingerie store while you're "shopping for a friend".

So, while I see why this dude parked bad, he didn't have to park THIS bad.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

Two For One? Screw that!

2008-06-27T10:27:00.002-06:00

This is such a beautiful picture, it should be framed and set over a mantle piece. It's the classic bad parker in between two individuals who know what the hell they're doing.

Another way of looking at this is: it's a moron truck driver who probably knocked his last brain cell out of his head installing a hitch on the back of the truck so he can haul dead kitten carcasses he drowned on his farm to the nearest Chinese Food restaurant with intelligent car drivers acting as bookends.

However, thanks to this site, we know that car drivers can be utter retards too, so the first assumption stands as a better explanation.

Learn To Park, Jerk!

D'uh...What's The Purdy Lines Fer?

2008-06-26T10:08:00.003-06:00

Nice blurry shot. Guess that's what happens when you have sex in the back of a moving vehicle with an epileptic.

Nevertheless, what is this ass pirate doing? I know the car to his right was there before him because it was there when I first parked here. Then some inconsiderate jizz stain pulls up beside him and takes up part of his spot?

That's just fucking rude! If there's ever been a precedence for pissing in someones air vents, this could be it. I hope the poor guy had a passenger who dinged the hell out of your door. You know, it's almost like you wanted someone to damage your car.

Let me guess. It's your wife's car and you suspect her of deep throating the kid who stocks shelves at the local IGA. Well, you'll show her. You'll get her car scratched up mighty nice.

Good one, jack ass! Why don't you just pull her hair and call her poopy pants while you're at it.

Just Learn To Park, Jerk!

A Ford Three Spaces?

2008-06-25T09:35:00.003-06:00

Reader submitted! Extreme thanks as I think this particular style of parking is a first for Learn To Park, Jerk!

Here we have someone's company vehicle stretching across not one, not two but THREE parking spaces. Oh, and look! One of them is a handicap space. That's just icing on the cake of Jackassery! Mmmmm good!

In this dick hole's defense (or vagina crater), he/she is parked diagonally. So if you drove a Vespa or a handicap adapted Smart Car, you could theoretically park on either side. But, really, that isn't much of a defense. He's parked like an ass and it shows.

So, a round of applause, please, for another bad parking first, and a heart felt SCREW YOU TOO to the driver!

Learn To Park, Jerk!